Roddick wins 1st set… hopefully I’ll be celebrating again later 
AJ
UPDATE: arsebiscuits… talk about taking it to the wire though…
July 5, 2009
July 4, 2009
Woman driver…
In these days of rigorous ‘equality’, it would not be proper of me to think of taking the piss out of women drivers as mocking the afflicted.
So it is with a clear and righteous conscience that I refer you to this stupid bint.
How the fuck did she manage that? You may well ask..
And what could possibly have caused her to do something so daft?
Awwww… she’s got a baybee. It’s a growing problem in the NHS. In the rush to get the post-natal woman out of the delivery room, no-one spots the brain on the floor, amid the placenta and viscera, so it never gets re-inserted.
AJ
You are worthless….
This is utterly unsurprising…
This brings me to the only ‘self help’ book you should ever consider reading:
Read it and weep.
AJ
Review: Lexus IS 220d
It’s over a year now, since I spent a fortnight living with this car. So, you’d think my memory would be hazy. It was. Fortunately, my vanity insisted I record a podcast about my experience. It was of insufficient quality for my vanity to share with you good folk, but it allowed me to compile a précis:
| I liked: | I didn’t like: |
| LS430 | IS220d |
| Lexus badge cachet, build quality | The car |
| The car’s form | Its function |
| ‘Sporty’ narrow gate 6 speed manual gearbox | 2nd takes you to 45mph. 3rd takes you to 95mph. Big stupid yawning gap in motorway joining and overtaking acceleration. |
| 6th gear is so long that the whole interior of the car vibrates if you put your foot to the floor below about 80 mph. | |
| visually, it’s difficult to tell what gear you’re in. 1st, 3rd, 5th? etc… | |
| The 3.5mm socket under the driver’s armrest for MP3 player. | The gain into the fitted audio system was so low that the MP3 player and the car stereo had to be turned up to full volume to get a half decent hearing. |
| Changing to CD or radio and getting my ears blown off by max. vol. emissions. | |
| 12v outlet under driver’s armrest | Can’t lower/close armrest with anything in said power socket. |
| 12v outlet at bottom of front centre console | Can’t hit 5th gear without hitting anything plugged into this 12v socket. |
| Keyless opening | Lack of keyless closing. |
| Having to go back without your keys to make sure it’s locked. | |
| Having to go get your keys when it isn’t. | |
| Explaining to the dumbassed provider why I shouldn’t leave the keys on the nearside front tyre so they could come and collect the car while I was away. | Agreeing with them and doing so anyway. |
| Cruise control | Position of cruise-control controls: Cause of several |
| Light sensing headlamp activation | All interior instruments mimicking Piccadilly Circus every time I went under a bridge. |
| And where are the rain-sensing wipers? | |
| The fitted audio system – it’s powerful and refined, so long as you feed it CDs. | I can’t see any of the controls or readouts if the sun is out. |
| The centre console readout, when you can see it, is reminiscent of a 1980s Ferguson or Grundig video recorder. | The car is also like a 1980s VCR: Clunky, ill resolved and more about the shiny aesthetic porn of the device than technological and ergonomic excellence. |
| It can do over 100mph | It feels as stable as an A40 van at those speeds. |
| I was propositioned at the gym. It was a sure bet. | It was a guy called Gavin. He had a Lexus too. |
After two of the seventeen days I was forced to spend with this ludicrous concoction of automotive gibberish, I called the provider and literally begged for a Mondeo.
Hope this helps car hunters wherever…. if not, suck my bell.
AJ
July 3, 2009
Girls Allowed to be tortured to death…
Excellent work. Fucking told you so.
One of my very first posts on this blog was about the curious case of the guy who was being prosecuted under the obscene publications laws for writing a fantasy blog post about raping and killing Girls Aloud. Whether it was for their crimes against music or not is never made clear.
I read this with a certain amount of interest, since the idea of butchering Girls Aloud, for their crimes against just about everything, holds an undeniable allure.
…
I’ve not read this guy’s ‘work’. Okay, it doesn’t sound particularly tasteful and I’m sure it would be fair to assume that some would, and do, find it offensive. However, you don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to know that rape is not an uncommon feature of sexual fantasies – womens’ too.
Nor do you need to have the fearsome interrogative mind of a top QC to make the argument that thought and word are NOT deed. Men and women alike will have sexual fantasies that they wouldn’t ever want to put into real life: Just as we may daydream about pushing that wanker of a manager at work out of an 8th floor window. However, no rational person would (or should) think that the satisfaction of the notion would translate into the actual deed – if you were to rape, injure or kill, obviously there’d be the shock, horror, pain and misery, to say nothing of the legal consequences. The supposed thrill of the deed wouldn’t get a look in with the sane person.
Next, according to The Times the offending text was on a fantasy porn website. So, in fairness, it wasn’t going to turn up on the web browser of any child whose parents had fulfilled their responsibility to properly manage their child’s internet use. Nor, for that matter, would it turn up anywhere else that you weren’t looking for fantasy porn.
My last point is apparently what his defence rested on, and it got him off the hook.
A former civil servant who wrote an internet article imagining the kidnap and murder of the pop group Girls Aloud has been cleared of obscenity.
Darryn Walker, 35, from South Tyneside, was charged after his blog appeared on a fantasy pornography site.
He appeared at Newcastle Crown Court on Monday but was cleared when the prosecution offered no evidence.
His defence argued that the piece was not easily accessible and could only be found in a specific internet search.
Judge Esmond Faulks formally returned a not guilty verdict to the charge of publishing an obscene article.
Mr Walker’s 12-page blog – Girls (Scream) Aloud – was brought to the attention of police by the Internet Watch Foundation, an organisation for the public and IT professionals which polices potentially obscene material.
There we are then. Look out for the instigators of this legal action, the Internet Watch Foundation, in other cases of attempted web-censorship.
AJ
Mmmmm wine….
Thought the winos amongst you might like to know what I bought on my jaunt…
Click images to enlarge:
I bought between 3 & 6 of each.
Am currently indulging in the leftmost red… very very tasty ‘04 Saint Emillion.
AJ
Go Roddick….
Won on him in the Bimbledon semi-final at 11/4 – enough, at least, to successfully hedge the money I had on Murray to win the tournament. and make a small profit.
I wish I’d taken the 14/1 I could get on Roddick for the title yesterday.
Will have to be satisfied with 5/1
AJ
Why is it….?
… why, even after scoring a direct & close range hit with a can of Raid Wasp Killer, does the wasp spend the next 45 minutes buzzing around the floor like an epileptic in a gabba club?
What part of ‘wasp killer’ was meant to be interpreted in any other way than ‘this bitch is gonna die fast’?
I suspect the EU have removed all the potent chemicals from my can of Raid, and the spray merely prevails upon the wasp to give up the fight. Presumably, the natural lifecycle of wasps means it will indeed die, eventually. I doubt they could demonstrate cause and effect.
In future, I expect that my can of indoor insecticide will merely shower the six-legged miscreant with demoralising propaganda leaflets.
Can’t wait.
Die, bitch.
AJ
Why is everything so fucking difficult?
Bastarding cuntsnufflers.
Just over a year ago, some mong in a chav-van reversed into my car, while I was stationary at a pedestrian crossing.
He took out one of my rear light clusters, rendering my car non-road legal.
Because I depend on my car for work and leisure, I pay for a Full Monty Bells & Whistles insurance policy, so immediately, the claims handling and legal protection processes swung into action and a hire car was provided. For what it’s worth, the hire car was a Lexus IS 220d and it was a total and utter piece of shit, for a plethora of reasons I’ll explore another time. I was stuck with it for about 2 weeks.
The mechanism by which all this happened is, in retrospect, not clear to me other than it involved my signing a 12 month credit agreement, which was meant to cover all the interim costs until the 3rd party settled.
I got a letter from the claims handling firm yesterday. The third party insurer (a bunch of cunts called Equity Red Star) decided they’d only cough up the cost of hiring me a Nissan Micra. This is in spite of the fact that I run a Big Fat Beemer and my policy offers me a reasonable ‘like for like’ replacement vehicle.
So now, my claims handling firm, which was appointed by my insurer, is asking me to sign papers to authorise court proceedings against the third party. They want me to:
- Sign an authority to instruct solicitors.
- State ‘my’ case.
- Provide documentary evidence of my uninsured losses and my excess payment, which the insurer already has.
- Justify the fact that I had hired a Lexus (actually, after 2 days, I called them up to ask if they had a Mondeo instead. No luck.)
What the blithering fuck has any of this to do with me, anyway?
Bunch of absolute bollocks. I’ve already torn the poor bitch from the claim handling firm a new one & I’m now on the phone to my insurer to do the same. The FSA now regulate the insurance industry, so I’ll give some serious thought to getting them involved.
AJ
Putting the Wog before the Porridge…
Mr Demetriou has a cracking swipe at the Scotch dipshits who have decided to pay their pale-blue punters £12.50 a week to give-up smoking.
A ludicrous idea, I concur. But I didn’t realise, until Mr D pointed it out, that this £12.50* is paid in the form of vouchers for food. That’s right. In the nation that would eat a scabby donkey’s dick if it were battered and deep-fried, where feminism is a fattist issue, they’re paying perverse incentives in food.
Genius.
Retrospectively, this may explain why deaths from heart-disease increased in Scotland after the smoking ban was implemented.
AJ
July 2, 2009
Euro-wobble update….
Well, I’m sat on the EuroTunnel, awaiting the literal and metaphorical trip back in time as a I cross The Channel to dear old Blighty… I already know what the first experience off the train will be: Wankers in people carriers, displaying shocking lane discipline and a complete absence of urgency.
But enough of that. I was fisked by both French and UK customs before boarding the (later) train. Must have put a marker on me when I went out yesterday.
Both wanted to know where I’d been, what I’d done and why. The Froggies just wanted to see receipts for all of my fags & booze (which I had diligently kept, of course). The UK customs gave me the Spanish fucking Inquisition. I showed them the receipt for the hotel last night. He wanted to know where my car had been parked, who else had access to it and if there had been any damage.
He wanted a complete breakdown of what I did yesterday and today. When I told him I had pizza for dinner, he wanted to see the sodding receipt for that.
“Are you naturally nervous, sir? Just that you’re shaking a bit.”
“Well, I am now – I’ve never been questioned like this before.”
You know the whole middle-class thing of coppers and the like making you feel guilty even when you’ve done nothing wrong? Well, not having had a chav upbringing, that’s me, that is.
What went unsaid is I may have missed some details out, not because I was concealing anything illegal, but because it’s none of his fucking business.
“What route did you take today, sir?”
“Not a clue – followed the Tom Tom. Went to Lille for wine, petrol and lunch. Came here.”
And then, get this… he fished through my luggage and found the map I’d been given by the hotel receptionist, on which she’d circled some places to go. I’d been to some, but not others on my evening stroll around the city. He starts pointing to circled locations,
“what’s there?”
“cathedral”
“there?”
“don’t know – hotel receptionist circled it, I didn’t get there.”
“What about there?”
“Shopping area.”
“What did you buy?”
“Nothing.”
“So what did you go there for?”
“Window shopping and people watching”
“People watching?”
“Yeah, you know – beer at a street bar, watch the Eurototty wander by”.
“Hmmm.”
On it went…
Of course, I suppose it would all have been different if I’d had a bird with me. But why the fuck wouldn’t I want to travel on my own? And why the fuck should not taking a bird mark my activities out as suspicious? In any case, surely any good smuggler makes out like a couple or family, by way of cover?
So, to sum up:
- I’ve put money into the UK, French and Belgian economies.
- I’ve observed the letter and the spirit of the law, not even exceeding speed limits on the continent, which is a first for me.
- I’ve had a day or two of relaxing gallivanting & generally minding my own business.
- The primary purpose of my trip (fags & booze) is evident. The secondary one was “I just wanted to see Antwerp – named as one of the top 10 cities in Europe. Had some time off work, JFDI. Glad I did.”
- But I was on my own.
And Customs Officer Cuntpiece thinks this is all jolly suspicious & probable cause to give me the third bastard degree. Yet the borders continue to be utterly permeable to illegal immigration.
Well fuck them all – the primary mission of avoiding Gordo’s taxes has been a success. Cunts.
Finally, Antwerp is a fantastic city once you get inside the hellish ring-road. I commend it highly if you want to combine the booze & fags run with a night in a pleasant place. It puts Brussels to shame IMO. But then, maybe I just prefer the more Dutch/Flemish style of the place.
AJ
July 1, 2009
A notable call to arms…
From Old Holborn:
As you know, OH is determined to make life difficult for the 646 who rule over us. So, I want to launch a few projects that will put them on the spot. I need help though. I cannot do this alone.
So far, pending projects include:
"Straight Pride" – A march through London for heterosexual men and women. I am applying for funding through the Mayor, Equalities Commission and the EU. No, really. If they can, I can.
"Animal Farm" – I am awaiting the delivery of hundreds of copies of Animal Farm to personally hand to every single MP who has stolen money from us and then paid it back hoping we will forgive them. I won’t forgive them.
"Citizens Arrest" – There are some MPs out there who need to be in Jail. I am going to arrest them.
"Equality for ALL" – Harman has said that we are all the same. By law. So I want people to join the Black Panthers of Brixton. They CANNOT refuse, by law. I am putting myself forward for the Muslim Parliament of Britain. Please vote for me. They CANNOT refuse, by law.
Fuck with them at EVERY opportunity. 646 people are the only people that can change anything yet they choose not to. There are 60,000,000 of us and 646 of them yet they can’t hear us.
Let’s start shouting.
Green card your MP. Actually turn up and demand to see him/her/it. It is your right.
Go to council meetings naked. They can’t stop you.
Tell anyone who isn’t a copper to fuck off when they want your name.
Tell coppers to fuck when they want your name
Smoke where you want. Drink where you want. Say what you want. Think what you want. It’s YOUR life, not theirs.
The system only works as long as we agree to it working. 646 people are controlling us to make themselves richer. Stupidly richer. Kinnock, Blair, Thatcher, Brown, Mandelson. This is why there is such a queue to get into Parliament. They don’t care about you, they care about THEM.
All we have to do is say "NO" and it collapses. Lock, Stock and Barrel.
Can you say "NO"?
I can. Will you join me? It costs nothing. All you have to do is say "NO" now and again. When they least expect it. "Can I just take your name?" "NO, it is not important" and your address? "NO. You do not need to know where I live". "Can I just take your postcode and house number? " "NO"
646 of them. That’s all.
A mighty roar. Much of which, I’m pleased to report, I already practice across the entire continent.
AJ
UPDATE: I didn’t know what OH meant by ‘green carding’ an MP. But I found this on idiot-google, and it’s very useful.
June 30, 2009
On the price of fags and the benefits of defying Gordon…
The price differential between here and mainland Europe represents an opportunity.
Here’s how:
3200 cigs will cost you around £928 in UK, whereas in Belgium, they’ll cost £605.
With the difference, I can get:
- Eurotunnel return.
- Breakdown cover.
- Travel insurance.
- Night in a luxury room in a 5* hotel, with breakfast & wifi.
- Petrol for the round trip.
At that point I’ve broken even and had a jolly lovely jaunt into the bargain.
If I bring back my allowance in baccy, I can save a further £400, in relative terms.
Once I’ve stopped off in France on the way back to pick up my allowances of wine & beer, I’m up about another £800-1000 depending on what I buy.
Sweet.
AJ
PETA turn to guerrilla malevolence; popularity soars…
Their tactics are starting to genuinely appeal to me…
Via Andtherewasmethinking and Dick Puddlecote, comes news that the loonies at PETA have found a sick new way of promoting the cause, as seen on this sign outside a hospital in Glasgow where someone died from H1N1 (misnomer: swine) flu.
lol.. they’ve finally found a way to tap my sense of humour.. I’ve come up with a few other situational gags they may think about…
You’re welcome….
AJ
UPDATE: Have tweaked #1 for snappiness
Confusion sets in for Dick Puddlecote
ON the topic of Kerry McCarthy, DP says:
as illiberal, lefty, bansturbating hectors go, she isn’t that bad.
In other news, the Chief Medical Officer, Sir Rod Hull, has just been on the news to reassure us that:
This is a particularly benign strain of ebola, which has been injected into the water supply, and on balance it will prove to be a public good.
AJ
By-Election Betting
Having wished I’d put money on Labour to retain Glenrothes, but not being able to stomach celebrating a Labour win, I’ve made my peace with the fact that large tranches of the UK contain nought but the irredeemably stupid.
So, with 2 more by-elections on the way, I thought it time to have another punt.
- In Glasgow North-East, vacated by Michael Martin, Labour are at 8/13 with Ladbrokes: £20 on.
- In Norwich North, vacated by Ian Gibson, Labour are 9/2 with Ladbrokes: £15 on.
It’d be scant compensation, but it’d be better than nothing. I’m still mulling over hedging Glasgow North-East, with SNP at 6/5, but I just don’t think that bet offers particularly good value and the SNP are likely to fall victim to mid-term blues in Scotland, especially after Gordo and Ally ‘saved’ the Scottish banks.
AJ
June 29, 2009
Requiem for a dirty, darky, fiddler, diddler…..
Everyone’s a winner..
Of course, his boy bumming credentials are conveniently glossed over.
Who’d have thought Gary Glitter would ever have cause for righteous indignation????
Sac du merde.
AJ
June 28, 2009
Just in from the failblog…
Snigger*… I’m not sure Gazeria would have been any better.
AJ
* Some web filtering systems block this word… but allow Scunthorpe. Curious.
June 27, 2009
More nature…
Rattled off a few shots earlier.. here’s some cuttings…
Click the images for hi-res versions.
Or don’t. What the fuck do I care??
AJ
