You needed a fucking report to tell you this?

If this were a fact-finding expedition from some East European country looking at building a transport system, it would be perfectly understandable.

This is the London fucking Assembly:

ORLY, motherfuckers?

The report, from the London Assembly’s transport committee, highlighted passengers’ ”coping strategies” for dealing with the daily commute. These included:

:: Mental preparation – psyching oneself up for the ”struggle to clamber on board”;

:: A dog-eat-dog or survival-of-the-fittest attitude;

:: Suspension of the normal codes of behaviour – for example, going after a seat regardless of who else might want it, ignoring pregnant women and people carrying babies;

:: Adopting a Tube persona, more ruthless and selfish. One passenger said: ”I’m a different animal on the Tube to normal life. I’m not me. I’m a bit less interested in others.”

:: Switching off/shutting down – ”going into an automatic pilot routine”, listening to music, turning one’s back;

:: Making sacrifices one would not usually consider – for example, losing personal space and comfort to be at a meeting on time;

:: Deliberately going the wrong way for one or two stops in order to get a seat.

The report took evidence from the Madrid metro system where upgrade work involved far fewer line closures than has been the case with the Jubilee line.

The transport committee’s chairman Caroline Pidgeon said:

“Our report highlights shocking levels of overcrowding on the Tube”

… and the impact this has on people. London Underground cannot be complacent about finding ways to make the situation more bearable.

Well, I’m quite taken aback, I can tell you. What with the tube always having been efficient, roomy and fragrant over the 13 years I’ve been using it.

AJ