To paraphrase The Daily Mash, “As an adult, I think the correct amount of energy usage is as much as I fucking want.”
Martin Davis, a retired solicitor from Cheltenham, wants to get rid of the family dog. “There are enough productive animals in the world without keeping unproductive ones,” he tells his wife Caroline. “It uses up time and energy and leaves a trail of dog-food tins and plastic bags.” She disagrees vehemently, claiming that it is natural to have animals in the home; they provide comfort and a link with the outdoors.
It’s the same story with the Aga. Martin says that it gobbles energy and should be turned off from May until October. Caroline defends its multiple uses. She bakes bread in it, makes marmalade on it and dries clothes above it — all activities that would require other sources of energy if the Aga was off.
Must be a fucking hoot round at their house. A retired accountant with an eco-obsession.
If these quibbles sound familiar, it’s probably because you have your own stock of pea-green domestic disputes bubbling away.
Err not really, no.
As climate change and the extent to which we must all play our part in reversing it continues to dominate news agendas, families are becoming increasingly rattled by aspects of green behaviour.
Forget traditional rowing subjects such as who does the washing up or takes the children to school. These arguments have an added moral dimension: it’s not just about individual needs any more. There is a bigger picture. But in saving the world, are we wrecking our relationships?
Shall we leave aside the monumental egotism of anyone who regards any crap about turning lights off or composting their turds as a contribution to ‘saving the planet’? And the imbecility of anyone who lets the fucking idiot media dictate their lifestyle and ideology?
According to Caroline, the problem with eco-arguments is that they can rumble on for months with no resolution. “We end up having to agree to disagree until one of us finds evidence,” she says. “Recently, George Monbiot wrote a scathing article about Agas, their vast carbon footprints and the awful women that love them. Martin went around gleefully waving it at me.”
Caroline, you married a total and utter cunt, dear. Consider putting something fatal in his herbal tea.
To add to the green tensions, the Davises’ 27-year-old daughter Agnes has strong ideas on what constitutes a sustainable diet.
Oh, Jesus. Fucking. Wept.
“I’m horrified by how much meat comes into my parents’ house,” she says. “They eat it with every meal. It’s not just the environmental impact — the energy and methane involved in meat production — but it’s unhealthy.
The Davis family is far from unique. A quick e-mail request for other examples of family environmental disputes brings a flood of replies, many simmering with unaddressed eco-rage.
“The shower versus bath is a classic,” says Sarah, 32, who lives with her husband Pete and five-year-old Daisy. “Pete is always telling me that my baths use up too much water, then he goes for a 20-minute shower. I doubt how sincere his green commitment really is. I think he just likes getting one up on me.”
Interesting that it seems to be blokes doing all this eco-cuntery.
Turning off the lights causes tension between Mike, 39, and his girlfriend Anita. “She turns every light and computer on in the whole house as soon as she gets home,” he says. “I go around after her, turning everything off and quoting the Energy Saving Trust, which says that you need only be out of a room for five minutes to make it worth switching off the light.”
I bet that cunt bought his woman one of those wind-up vibrators, too. If he’s not too po-faced for that.
According to Penny Mansfield, director of One Plus One Marriage and Partnership Research, the reason for all this disharmony is that many people have begun to feel genuinely passionate about people’s duty to preserve the planet.
I think you need to examine the premises again there.
The most likely time for such rows to begin is soon after a first child is born, says Mansfield.
Because when you’re up to your neck in shit vomit and sleep deprivation, the most important thing is eco-mongitude…
“Couples often get along fine until they have children. Then they discover that they can’t split the children in two
Tracey Connolly and Stephen Barker obviously had this exact dilemma. Who’d have thought it boiled down to which of them was greenest?
Donnachadh McCarthy, an “eco-auditor”
who visits people’s homes to give advice on how the occupants can reduce their impact on the planet, has also noted a rise in eco-disputes.
Oh, and beware of even associating with these cockpieces.
Jane and Alan, a London couple who have become increasingly ecofriendly over ten years of marriage. When they rented a villa in Provence last year, they asked friends and family to join them — but they wanted everyone to come by train. Jane’s sister and her boyfriend have high-powered jobs and couldn’t afford the extra time that a train trip would involve, so they asked to travel by plane instead. Jane was furious and disinvited them — although now she acknowledges that you can’t force lifestyle changes on others.
They can shove their villa right up their arses then – good luck getting any more of your ‘friends’ to trudge down to your eco-hovel, dickheads.
Two friends of mine clashed so badly over whether it was ecologically acceptable to shop at Primark that they stopped seeing each other for several months. Like comparing attitudes to childcare and private school, comparing green credentials can take even the closest of friends into dangerous territory, mainly because everyone feels sensitive about whether they are doing the right thing.
Everyone? Not quite. Some of us haven’t completely taken leave of our senses.
And think of all that ecowank the teaching weenies are pumping into your little darlings.
A friend tells me that she was horrified when her daughter’s school pal, who had come round for supper, caught her piling food waste into the normal bin. “Don’t you have a compost bin?” she asked shrilly. “Don’t you feel bad about the space in landfill you’re using up?”
Being shown up by a pint-sized ecowarrior is a powerful incentive to get up to speed in matters ecological.
ORLY? It’s a powerful incentive to issuing clip round the ear and pointing out who pays the fucking bills around here.
Ten-year old Hannah Screen, who lives in Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire, is always telling her mum to turn off lights and reminding her of what is best for the planet. “Sometimes we do research at school and then I go back home with amazing facts that mum doesn’t know about,” she says. “Recently I told her that if she leaves her laptop on standby, it still uses 80 per cent of the electricity that it uses when it’s on.”
Errr.. no. No it doesn’t, you gobby little madam. Shut your face.
The article goes on and on and on, but you get the picture: cuntsoup.