Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe…

You thought the mentalists would leave you something at least, didn’t you?

They wouldn’t ever make it to the unpopulated outcrop of rock on which your own personal preferences were stored.

I’ve been staring into the maw of the ravenous monster for more than 10 years, but even I didn’t see this coming.

Following an underwhelming glass of curdled nectar, I conducted an idle web search, using the following terms:

  • Has Mount Gay rum changed?
  • Has Jura whisky changed?

Two of the drinks I count used to count as rare treats have been vandalised by the scum of the earth. Let’s go over to Dan Crispbutty for the details.

Screenshot 2021-05-20 at 21.59.38

What? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo…….

Screenshot 2021-05-20 at 22.02.10

Fuuuuuuu….. what could be behind this? I bet you’re way ahead of me:

Trudiann Branker, Mount Gay master blender, said: “It is an honour to be at the forefront of the exciting changes that Mount Gay will see in 2020, and I’m proud not only to be the first female master blender in Barbados but to be part of the team that will take Mount Gay from strength to strength

Well… who could have seen that coming? Goodbye, Mount Gay… it was fun for a while. Ironically, I was first introduced to Mount Gay by a once notoroious mad black woman of Twitter.

Jura’s new range will be rolled out globally in an effort to ‘appeal to new drinkers’, in what’s being called ‘a new dawn’ for the distillery.

Graham Logan, Jura distillery manager, said: ‘This marks a hugely significant step for Jura.  A new house style of whisky is not for the faint hearted but it tells you where we are now and how committed we are to Jura, the community and our whiskies for the long term.

If you’re wondering if Graham Logan is a cuck, you need wonder not a moment longer.

Kirsteen Beeston, global head of brand for Jura, said: ‘Jura is on the brink of something quite remarkable… The new style of whisky was the first step on this journey and one which we feel is a huge step forward in terms of flavour and product consistency. There is so much richness with Jura and we now confidently feel we have landed on a proposition with real consumer resonance and a range of whiskies with strong appeal.’

Oh dear. A pattern is forming.

Today owned by Whyte & Mackay, which also owns DalmoreTamnavulin  and Fettercairn distilleries, Jura will introduce the lightly peated flavour across the entirety of its core range.

Bitch, if I wanted peaty, I’d have bought a peaty whiskey. Talisker, Lagavulin or whatever. But I didn’t. Because I don’t fucking like peaty and that is exactly why I used to buy Jura, you fucking vandal cunt.


One more for luck.

Absolut Vodka is still a unique character, in both design and taste. Still ridiculously curious about creativity, collaborations and art. And still the key player for the perfect mix in any social occasion. And since all vodka from Absolut is produced in Southern Sweden, our superb vodka tasted exactly the same then as it does now. Nothing has changed.

I don’t believe them. I drank an ice cold glass of neat Absolut blue the other day, and frankly, it could have been a tumbler of frozen bath water.

Screenshot 2021-05-20 at 22.12.07

Oh dear fucking CHRIST.

Its easy to laugh and keep walking when The Great One asserts that women never create, they only consume and destroy but this, I’m afraid, proves that he is absolutely 100% correct.

Just fuck all the way off. The most evil trick the progressives pulled was connoting the term ‘progress’ with ‘improvement’ whereas it almost never is.

Unrelated: Have you noticed that whisky, rum and vodka (mens’ drinks) all needed to be changed, but gin (a woman’s drink) has stayed exactly as awful and flowery and dull as it has always been?



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