The Bank of England (and in particular its current leader) have a lot to answer for.
But, provided they do not capitulate to the latest tranche of offendotron retards, they – and he – stand to be forgiven by me.
In an act of weapons-grade trolling, the BoE have admitted that the material used to make the new fiver contains trace amounts of tallow, which is an animal fat product.
"There is a trace of tallow in the polymer pellets used in the base substrate of the polymer £5 notes," it confirmed.
More than 1,700 people so far have signed a petition demanding that the substance is no longer used in the production of the currency.
1700 unemployable people, who spend the day walking their manky dog-on-a-string round the local park while they drink White Lightning and listen to Chumbawamba and Radical Dance Faction and spending the remainder of their “job seekers” allowance getting more surgical-grade metalwork shoved into their face and body..
It is claimed that:
"The new £5 notes contain animal fat in the form of tallow. This is unacceptable to millions of vegans & vegetarians in the UK. We demand that you cease to use animal products in the production of currency that we have to use," the petition read.
Some of the most insane of the outraged pledge to boycott this money (ridiculous) or refuse to accept it in their business transactions (illegal and, unless it’s your own business, gross misconduct).
Okay, so 1,700 dog-on-a-string motherfuckers have signed the petition, but “millions” are offended. I’m willing to bet upwards of 95% of those millions couldn’t give a fuck. Even some of the vegan ones. Oh, look…
"As a vegetarian I really find myself laughing at vegan-militant tweets. So now we shouldn’t use the new £5 note coz it’s not vegan? Get out," one user wrote.
Some Hindus are concerned too, in case the rrollow is coming from cows which are, of course, sacred. And this notwithstanding all the BMWs and Mercedes, owned by Hindus, furnished with leather seats.
And as for the idea of Hindu Temples refusing to accept this money? I did an actual LOL in the car when I heard this idea on BBC news.
Anyway, I have an idea. In the future, you could source your tallow not from cattle, but from people who sign change.org petitions, since the majority of them are clearly a burden to society and, doubtless, many of them are prodigiously obese so will provide a munificent alternative supply of trollow.
Sorted.
AJ
UPDATE: The more I read the better it gets..
As industrial tallow can contain rendered pork fat, the use of the substance may also make the notes ‘haram’, or off-limits to practicing Muslims.
My concern is that this last aspect is the one that will lead to furious back-pedalling. After all… veggies, vegans and Hindus are extremely unlikely to kill you. Muslims though? Pfffft.
Al Jahom's Final Word 
Shortage of £1 coins coming soon as the offended refuse their change in notes.