Meanwhile, in other complete and utter bollocks

I saw this is the dead tree edition yesterday while I was procrastinating in the tea room at work.

The more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

image

Fine, whatever.. let’s get to the poll.

Our 10 worst driving habits

1. Not holding steering wheel in ”correct’’ 10-to-two position 46%

Umm.. what? As long as the driver is in control of the vehicle, I don’t care if he’s steering with his elbows.

2. Not applying handbrake at traffic lights 37%

Ah, this is implicit annoyance at being dazzled by high-level brakelights in the dark, I suspect.

Second worst habit though, ORLY?

3. Accelerating between speed cameras 31%

Oh right.. more annoying than facist cameras that enforce artificially lowered speed limits, imposed not for safety, nor for efficient traffic flow,but for REVENUE? I think not.

4. Exceeding urban speed limit 28%

Meh. All speed limits are advisory. You’re better off with me doing 40mph up your road with proper concentration, should I deem the conditions to be safe for it, than you are some brainless pillock whose attention is mostly focused on mollifying the MPV full of kids he/she is ferrying around, rather than looking outside of the vehicle to make sure he’s not mowing down your kids.

5. Drinking and eating while driving 21%

Again, I don’t give a toss what the driver is doing, so long as the vehicle is under proper control. The degree and latitude of control required in a stream of motorway traffic is significantly less than it is crossing the Snake Pass, for example.

It’s all about context.

BTW, you’re changing gear – I don’t need to – I have a spare hand. Disagree? So you don’t think disabled drivers with only one arm should be allowed?

6. Coasting with clutch down 14%

What? I mean.. just … what? WHO CARES!!!???

7. Using horn through frustration 12%

This is a lesser crime than being the driver who causes the frustration, be it through being inattentive or inconsiderate.

8. Passing through amber or red traffic lights 12%

Well duh..

9. Not concentrating 11%

Sorry.. I wasn’t listening then.. BTW lack of concentration (or failure to observe) is the #1 primary factor in road traffic accidents.

image

See? in 2009 – failure to look properly contributed to 38% of all of RTAs.

Travelling too fast for contitions acounted for 11%.

The trends 2005-2009 for those figures are interesting, too.

10. Putting car’s nose out at junctions 7%

Hey – try sitting in a side road, trying to emerge out onto a main road, when no-one will let you out because they all hate your 4×4/BMW/Porsche. You stick your nose out, or you’ll soon have me behind you beeping the horn and flashing the lights, to make you get a fucking move-on.

So then, here is the Al Jahom run down of stuff that induces road rage in me:

1) Driving too slowly for the conditions and failing to allow quicker vehicles the opportunity to overtake.

2) Failure to observe proper lane discipline.

3) Indecisiveness, poor observation or timidity.

4) Flashing of headlamps, or gesticulating, at anyone with the audacity to drive more assertively than you.

5) Inability to recognise the correct speed limit on NSL sections of road.

6) Baby-on-board signs – and moreso, ‘Princess on board’ signs. May as well say ‘brain left in puddle on delivery room floor – expect erratic maneuvres’.

7) Use of foglights when visibility is good.

8) Caravans & Horse Boxes. Always.

9) Failure to indicate correctly and in a timely manner.

10) People who wear a hat while driving.

I can sum the maxims of good driving up in 7 clear words:

Get the fuck out of my way.

Alternatively, take a look at some of my ‘How to Drive’ posts.

AJ

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About Al Jahom
Anti-social malcontent, misanthrope and miserable git.

15 Responses to Meanwhile, in other complete and utter bollocks

  1. Simon Cooke says:

    I knew I was a bad driver….always hold the steering wheel at 15:15 for greater control (like those racing driver chappies who probably are good drivers).

  2. Twisted Root says:

    Err… re no 10 – you mean flat caps don’t you.

  3. Bucko says:

    Al – I think you are my long lost twin or something, my head was bobbing up and down reading your list of stuff that bugs you. I particularly hate those stupid “princess on board” signs, they make me want to intentionally run into the back of them.
    My neighbour has a “sexy chick” sign in her car. She’s as fat as they fucking come.

  4. Your number 9 is the one that hacks me off.

  5. cwtchcorner says:

    I find that eating a white chocolate magnum while driving stops me from using the handbrake at traffic lights and from holding the steering wheel at 10 to 2. I must ensure that I am at least at nsl as I try to keep the cold air rushing to stop it from melting. I also suspect that the sight of said magnum falling into my cleavage may account for loss of concentration by those that I am overtaking.

  6. Rantin Rab says:

    Fail to indicate whilst negotiating a roundabout? Then you are a complete cunt.

  7. JuliaM says:

    “Our 10 worst driving habits

    1. Not holding steering wheel in ”correct’’ 10-to-two position 46%”

    Like Simon, I thought modern advice was 9:00 to 15:00, but I was told that this was because a car with an airbag will force your hands INTO your face as it deploys in the 10 to two position, instead of away from your face…

  8. JuliaM says:

    And yes, like DP, my most common outburst in the car is ‘For f***’s sake, give me a hint! I’m not psychic!’

    Usually at roundabouts…

  9. JuliaM says:

    With no 6, who outside the car could even tell?!?

  10. Bill Sticker says:

    You forgot people who sit in the middle lane on a three lane dual carriageway at precisely 65mph and won’t pull over even when there’s no fucking traffic!.

  11. faxx says:

    1 Arrogant drivers who think they can talk on a mobile phone as they drive, when they probably can’t even form reasonably constructed sentences at any time. The great thing about these dickwads is that the conversation must never be interrupted, so changing gear requires letting go of the steering wheel, natch.

    2 Arrogant drivers who think the road is a race track and they are the next F1 champion waiting to be discovered (an approach sustained by the idea that maybe F1 scouts patrol our highways looking for them)

    3 Arrogant drivers who flip their engine at traffic lights as if the lights have ears and will listen and let them through quicker… and then shoot into a yellow box and block off others because they can’t be arsed to wait for a gap.

    4 Arrogant drivers who think they are the only ones who pay road tax (including even the ones who don’t) and can leave their cars in odd or difficult places, such as on the corner by the school — perhaps because they have lost the use of their legs and can no longer walk more than 10 yards

    5 Arrogant drivers who cannot park properly because they can’t be bothered to think other people may need to park too.

    6 Arrogant drivers who play the world’s crappiest music at full volume with the windows wound down so we can all appreciate their poor choice in music… okay, not road rage but taste rage, I admit.

    7-10 Er, arrogant drivers in general

  12. ridban says:

    I disagree with no.6 if Paul Henry had a princess on board sticker in Paris then history would have turned out differently.

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