Nanny in the workplace

After some soul-destroying M25 hell today, I arrived a customer site for a meeting. Before I’d even got to the meeting room, I had been bombarded by impertinent questions, dubious imperatives and dodgy advice.

I arrived and parked up. I went for a piss, went for coffee then went upstairs to the meeting. It more or less went in this order:

  • Reversing into parking spaces is mandatory.
  • What colour is your piss? Are you drinking enough?
  • Have you had a prostate exam recently?
  • Here’s how to wash your hands.
  • Have you washed your hands?
  • Drink Smart – drink water, not fizzy drinks.
  • Drugs are illegal, but talking about them isn’t. Ask Frank.
  • It’s National Vegetarian Week. How will you be celebrating? Take a leaflet to find out.
  • Start a good habit today. Use the stairs. Be Fit For Work.
  • Hold the handrail.
  • Here’s how to blow your nose. Put the tissue in a green bin.

I wanted to throw everyone in the room out of a window.

Obviously too many women working at that company.



18 thoughts on “Nanny in the workplace

  1. Too many people working there. Full stop.

    Let me know who they are – I might be tempted to buy them, sack 80% of the staff, watch them achieve just as much as they did before, and then sell the newly-profitable firm to make a mint.

    • That was pretty much my analysis.

      Since I am selling to them, messages of plenty give me cause for optimism.

      If I was their customer, I’d be making that point quite forcefully.

    • During the meeting a call went out over the tannoy, with a registration number.

      A delegate at the meeting had to go and turn her car round.

      • If that was me I would leave it till I had to leave just to wind them up*. The thing is it would wind up the people who implement such stuff but would make the normal staff very happy that someone was giving the whole business the finger.

        * So long as the deal wouldn’t bankrupt my company if it fell through – always a reason why such nampy pamby wishy washy do gooders win in the end.

  2. I have an overwhelming desire to visit as a team of two. Leave one car parked transverse across three bays with my colleague roasting a pig on his barbie, and use my LandRover to get to the meeting via the stairs. Then change a wheel in the meeting room, sit down and crack open a tinny WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS.

    Just to watch their Manager Of All That Is Pointless explode.

  3. What always really, really annoys me is going into an office ladies loo and seeing a sign on the back of the cubicle door telling/asking the user not to attempt to flush sanitary towels or tampons down the loo, but to use the bin provided.

    Good grief! What sort of people do they have working there..?

  4. What a load of crap. And what is this about reversing into a parking space?
    Me and the Mrs celebrated National Vegitarian Week yesterday. I made a huge steak and kidney pie. It was good.

    • “What a load of crap. And what is this about reversing into a parking space?”

      It’s more efficient as manoeuvring in, you are effectively using rear wheel steering so can manoeuvre better in tight spaces. Also on moving out, you can see any traffic before you move rather than after you’ve moved into their path. I’ll always reverse in and drive out if I can. Doesn’t mean it should be mandated, though.

      “Me and the Mrs celebrated National Vegitarian Week yesterday. I made a huge steak and kidney pie. It was good.”

      It was chicken in our house…

  5. Obviously an NHS site. I worked at one. There was a sign on the lifts saying “climbing the stairs 4 times every day could help you to lose 10 lbs weight a year. I worked there for 13 years. By now I should have all but disappeared.

    They talk crap.

  6. Pingback: Dear Tories, Go Fuck Yourselves. « Al Jahom's Final Word

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