Keeping us safe

From stuff that’s no fucking threat to anyone. Well done, Captain Buzzkill.


Oooh – really? That’s terrible. Awful. I didn’t even know about it.

Officers were alerted after neighbours reported "unusual behaviour" and "strange sounds" coming from the four-bedroomed house in Lee Mill, Devon.

Police arrived with battering rams to raid the home but after a plain clothes officer knocked on the door the residents let them in – thinking he had an appointment.

The sex dungeon was then found in a converted room filled with "hundreds" of items including whips, gas masks, wooden bats, handcuffs, clothes pegs and shackles.

Police also discovered bondage chairs with straps, straight jackets, sex toys, gimp masks, S&M outfits, shackles, cattle prods and car batteries used to power the toys.

The dungeon was also stuffed with "various electrical vibrating" items and a recording studio complete with computer equipment and mixing desk.

Detective Sergeant Stuart Gilroy of Devon and Cornwall police said officers made the "startling" discovery last Friday (26/02) afternoon.

Oh well done, you.

But during the raid one "customer" arrived at the home – and still asked for his appointment despite the large police presence.

ROFL. And do you know why, Captain Cockwash? Because he wasn’t there for a fuck – he just wanted his arse whipping and his balls burning with a cigarette. Fucked up, perhaps, but not illegal between consenting adults. Not even for money, as far as I know.

"In the dungeon alone we discovered bondage chairs with straps, gimp masks, whips, shackles and various electrical vibrating items. Hundreds of items were seized at the address."

Oh the hilarity back at the nick must have been side-splitting. Twats.

A 38-year-old man from Lee Mill, a 21-year-old woman from Ivybridge, Devon, and a 24-year-old woman from Plymouth have been arrested in connection with the incident..

What fucking ‘incident’, you cunts? Breach of the epidermis?

DS Gilroy said: "We are glad to have disturbed this activity and restored normality to the neighbourhood. We would also like to thank residents who reported the activity to us."

Oh I’m sure you are, you smug puritan prat.

Inspector Phil Chivers, police inspector for the South Hams, added: "This incident demonstrates that we, the police, are reliant on information from the community."

Yes, and it also demonstrates that the community is awash with pecksniff curtain twitching cunts who’ll gladly inform on their fellow man, without even the pieces of silver in return.

I leave you in the capable hands of Doug.



About Al Jahom
Anti-social malcontent, misanthrope and miserable git.

8 Responses to Keeping us safe

  1. Ethan says:

    BDSW …you can’t wack it can you….er that is…as you were.

    I agree with you though. Only law I can see being slightly distorted is running a business from a residential zoned house. And every Ebayer is probably guilty of that. If it’s discreet what business is it of the Hyacinth Bucket’s next door. My 2p.

  2. JuliaM says:

    Ooh you got this one too, then?

    There’s some thing ineffably English about it, don’t you think? Like something you’d see in an episode of ‘Midsummer Murders’ …

  3. juliette says:

    Oh come on, be reasonable. There’s every chance one of those gimp masks could have escaped through an open window and attacked a neighbour’s baby.

    And never underestimate the danger posed to society by badly trained and savage vibrators…

  4. PT Barnum says:

    You’re wrong about it not being illegal. Consenting to being assaulted (or conspiracy to commit actual bodly harm or GBH) was made an offence under the last but one Criminal Justice Act (2001? there’ve been so many….) and attracts the same penalties as any other offence of ABH or GBH. It follows a test case in 1998 which resulted in sentences of between 3 and 8 years for those men who consented to have pain and injury inflicted on them, and was subsequently made into statute law.

    • Al Jahom says:

      I half suspected as much – but wasn’t that case about people nailing their cocks to planks of wood?

  5. Al Jahom says:

    update – from Mr Civil Libertarian, I got ‘R v Brown’ – from which I found this:

    and this:

    From as far back as 1993 though.

  6. PT Barnum says:

    Yup, your dates are correct AJ. I was doing it from a very defective memory.

    One of the lesser known pieces of law to ‘protect us from ourselves’ courtesy of our ever loving government.

  7. PT Barnum says:

    Oh, and if you really want the details, the “nails” went through pre-existing penile piercings. Trouble is, the GMP succeeded in only letting the jury see video (taken by participants) which looked as though the nails were hammered in, not passed through.

    Some readers may be reasssured to know that in another case brought to trial, in which a husband branded his wife’s buttocks with his initials (with her full consent), saw the judge declare this to be an act of matrimonial intimacy with no legal case to answer.

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