Cameron’s speech

Even at his best, I find Cameron to be less than inspiring. These days I can barely watch him deliver a speech or a commons performance. The tendency is to watch between the fingers of one hand, while alternately chewing the other knuckle in sheer cringing terror and chortling at the inevitable comeuppance. Sort of like watching CCTV footage of your mother-in-law being gang-raped.

But having seen James Delingpole’s post:

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Still expecting nothing more than vacuous toss about change, delivered by an accomplished photocopier salesman, I decided I should have a look at Spam’s last stand.  Here are my notes:

I see he’s sticking with the theme of using the cast of Sesame Street as his backdrop. Not sure why.

Twenty minutes in and I’m hearing nothing but nebulous toss. Get to the sodding point, Spambo.

Next he’s on about loving the NHS. Fucking hell.

Education, education, education. Joy.

Pish joke about Hague’s Wilberforce book.

Welfare. Compassionate Conservatives. Vomit. Pustulant discharge.

Pensioners. Dave shares their frustration. Perhaps his prostate isn’t holding up so well.

So he’s raising the retirement age.

MPs expenses. Welling up. Terrible business. 3rd rate Tony Blair impression.

“Time to put our government on a diet.” I personally favour amputation and napalm burns.

“Giving people control over their lives.” We so pleased, Masser Dave – that it’s in your gift to give us control of our lives.

“We are in a deep hole.” You’re not fucking kidding. What’s the shovel fo.. oh wait – I get it.

“I think people also want a frankness.” Uh huh?

“The fact is people are fed up with the soft-soaping and the slogans and the soundbites”

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Let me repeat that. “The fact is people are fed up with the soft-soaping and the slogans and the soundbites”

Do go on, Dave. I understand you have more gifts for us.

“We need to give people a sense that being a citizen of Britain is not just about paying your taxes and obeying the law. It’s about being part of something bigger than yourself.”

Could prove troubling if you’re sat next to Peter Griffin Eric Pickles. 

Thank fuck he’s wrapping up now. I’ve been growing nictitating membranes here.

“I want you to think of the incredible dark depression of Gordon Brown, and say ‘No, no, we’re not going to do that.’”

Do you really Dave? Marvellous. Perhaps some kind of inspirational message promising recovery, freedom, abundance and virgins could swing it. If only you’d spent the past 30 minutes without uttering anything remarkable at all.

“Come on then! Let’s get out there and win it for Britain.”

This is fucking inspired. Did Ricky Gervais write the whole thing as a Pilot of ‘The Cabinet Office’? /snark

Oh good – here’s Iain Dale to give us his malleable insight.

Frankly I’m convinced that Delingpole and I watched totally different speeches.

As an aside, did you know that the E-savvy Tories don’t even own the conservatives.co.uk domain name. It’s been held by a broker since 1998.

AJ

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About Al Jahom
Anti-social malcontent, misanthrope and miserable git.

2 Responses to Cameron’s speech

  1. It was blinkered public sector-led toos from start to finish.

    As mentioned, the biggest cheer was for wiping out quangoes, but on the other hand, their using the expert in ‘nudging’ proves that they have no intention of changing anything.

    We have the most corrupt and despised government in many a generation yet Cameron can’t make any meaningful impression. Which puts him on a par with Michael Foot in the effective opposition leader stakes.

    Woeful.

  2. Pingback: David Cameron: The Gimp That Keeps On Giving « Al Jahom’s Final Word

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