Orange

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Codename: Determination

Common name: Evil ginger fucker.

AJ

Facemunch

I parry your blow.With my head.

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Nature rocks when it kicks other nature’s ass.

AJ

Cunts du Jour: The Highways Agency

They have been the biggest time-thieves of 2009.

All year, the M1, M3, M4, M6, M18 and M25 have all been awash with endless, sprawling roadworks with those cuntish average speed cameras. Have a look here.

In the last 12 months, I’ve spent hundreds of hours sat in queues, burning petrol when I could have been doing something more useful. And when I’m not sat in queues, I’m restricted to 50mph even though it’s the middle of the fucking night, there’s no work going on and I haven’t seen another car for 20 bastard minutes.

I don’t even want to know how much has been spent on the motorway wombles in their shiny 4x4s and their big boots.

Utter fuck-knuckles to a man.

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FUCKING UP YOUR DAY SINCE 1994

AJ

Delusions

I just don’t understand how this man can go on like this. It’s terrifying to think someone who’s not only dishonest with the country but with himself can wield such power.

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Never mind the question of what entitles Brown to promise any such thing, who in their right mind is going to believe him, when, since 2000,:

On average, the FTSE All-Share Index has dropped an average of 1.8 per cent a year, the first time investors have lost money since the 1930s, when the index fell an average of 2.6 per cent a year.

And…

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And…

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The French did a much better job with their gold.

And…

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Not least because:

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And because we’re the only G20 country still in recession in Q4 2009, and probably headed for a double-dip recession.

Oh, and to help growth and stability in 2010:

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Not forgetting the Royal Mail strikes, and BA cabin crew strikes that are also likely to go ahead in 2010.

Just. Fuck. Off.

AJ

More details on the last 10 years of Labour destruction on the FT site here. (H/T ConHome)

Something to think about on your next conference call..

If you know the people on your call, you may find this quite distracting & not a little grotesque.

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Now then.. let’s see.

BT, the telecommunications giant, found that the most popular place to call into a conference was from the bedroom,

Check

followed by the bathroom.

Check

Some of the 200 people surveyed said they had called into an audio conference from a train

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or a car,

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although more bizarre locations included a ski slope, a beach and a theme park.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

The study also said that people taking part in conference calls could hear … kettles boiling

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or toilets flushing in the background.

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They’ve obviously not happened upon smoking a bong, making toast, putting the washing machine on, applying ointment to piles, stroking one out or bringing out the gimp.

Conference calls facilitate all these good and noble pursuits.

AJ

The Meth Office

Why are they so singularly fucking useless?

I started a post about their ‘Iraqi Information Minister’ style of weather pronouncements, based on their shambolic performance over the recent period of horrible weather.

The post ended up in the bin as part of my ongoing episode of ennui-cum-despair.

John Demetriou has, however, managed to squeeze one out onto the page, and it pretty much sums up my view:

Dear person who runs the Met Office,

Fuck you. All your site does is predict things one minute before they happen, or not at all. For the last four or five days, I’ve checked your site, and wading past the endless propaganda about ‘climate change’ (pass the the fucking bucket), all I see is a sea of ‘green’, or maybe a tad of ‘orange’, thus indicating that there’s no bad weather of note in the North.

You’re wrong. You were wrong on Monday, Tuesday, today and you’re wrong going into tomorrow, you fucking losers. All week you’ve told me that there’s no snow, and only a little ice to worry about. No. No, no and thrice, no. It is not -1 degrees, it is -7. There is no clear skies, there is thick cloud and heavy snow.

The road conditions are not OK, they are treacherous. How wrong can you get. I suggest you offer Mark Lawrenson a job, and ask him to do a ‘Climate Change in Liveroool Special’. He’ll predict 2 degrees to nil rises in temperature between now and the year 2089.

I am amazed at how arrogant your useless outfit is. Because for all your latent government arse-sucking about climate change, you can’t predict the weather for shit, and your trendy little UK colour charts and gizmos ain’t worth a hill of beans in a Camel Shit Factory.

Fuck off. Do something useful, like get some of your office monkeys to go outside with a thermometer and hold their hands out to see if it is actually snowing. Which it is.

My journeys to and from work have been shrouded in poor planning, because I was dumb enough to trust your cunty site.

More fool me.

Motherfuckers.

Of course, it wouldn’t require a D.Phil in tin-foil hats to wonder if the Met office is conspiring to prevent the government selling the fucker off.

AJ

Errr.. what?

There are so many things wrong with this, I hardly know where to start.

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In what way, precisely, is an alcohol substitute that avoids drunkenness a fucking alcohol substitute?

That aside, the vision that these mentalists have is distinctly dystopian from where I’m sitting, with abundant opportunities for the state to make great advances in their on-going quest* to make drinking ‘as socially unacceptable as smoking’. There’s even an environmentalist angle.

Eventually it would be used to replace the alcohol content in beer, wine and spirits and the recovered ethanol (the chemical name for alcohol) could be sold as fuel.

Uhh.. yeah. that’ll be cost effective then. And home brewing will become a booming (soon to be illegal) business.

AJ

* The the patterns of denormalisation originally used to villify smokers, and their use against drinkers, is ably addressed by bloggist Dick Puddlecote.

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