Software that needs to fuck off and stop pestering me…

Previously, I expressed my frustration at the way Windows pesters me to reboot, install patches, fold my arms and keep my elbows off the dining table….

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Look, you piece of shit. Last time you asked me this was 5 minutes ago. Then, I had 7 applications open, each with several documents, folders or pages.

This time I may have a couple more or a couple less items open. Either way, does it look like I’m going to stop what I’m doing for this bullshit?

Fuck off Bill. For at least a week. And stop giving my extorted license fees to Africans.

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Today I am reminded of a rant reproduced the other day by Obo. Because of this….

image

To steal in full:

I’m just going to nick the whole thing. It’s brilliant and it very nearly captures the depth of hatred I feel for [Java]:

Java. What the fuck is it for? Does anyone know – or care – any more? I remember it was the absolute pinnacle of the tech zeitgeist around 10 years back, when it promised to be a utopia of write-once-run-anywhere programming and cubicles were packed with dickheads pulling down £8999k p.a. because they understood those big diagrams that people used to draw to explain what Java did… but now?

Now it sits there on my hard drive glowering resentfully because no-one uses it any more – the ginger-haired stepchild of programming languages (or whatever the fuck it is).
I can handle that – I don’t use HongKong RAMfucker or PornLocator any more; but at least they have the decency to sit there quietly in the background until the day that I need to fuck my RAM or locate some porn.

What I can’t handle is Java’s constant crying out for my attention… update me… please! Every single bastard day that little system tray bubble comes up, winking at me cheerily to remind me there’s another Java update. So for days I dutifully close it and yet, the very next day, there it is again.. taunting me. Look: I didn’t update you yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that. Please take the fucking hint – no-one likes you any more. Imagine if your girlfriend behaved like that!

And then, eventually, I concede defeat and download it just to get that fucking message out of the way. Only its not an ‘update’ in the sense of “here’s a couple of megsworth of patches and files” but a full 23323327Gb download of the entire fucking thing that slows everything down to a crawl and puts a big fat install dialogue up in my grill for what seems to be a week, reminding me of all the pointless crap Java ‘enables’ me to do.

And then, when you’ve done all that and your heartrate has returned to normal levels, you find some gimcrack, cobbled-together piece of toss on the internets that does actually use Java to do something – usually something completely fucking gay like add an animated reflection to a picture of the Taj Mahal – and the fucking thing still isn’t right. Sometimes you get a message saying that the version you’ve got is too fucking new!

And to add insult to fucking injury every one of these damn Java applets in the world has to tell me that it’s using Java before it loads. Imagine popping a CD into the tray and having Brian Blessed announce that you are using CD Technology. Actually – that would be pretty fucking awesome. So imagine instead opening your sandwich box to be greeted with a cheery “you’re eating Kingsmill bread!” The world would grind to a halt as people flung sandwiches out of the window in pulsating, red-faced rage, making pavements impassable and putting Dairylea out of business. That’s what “this is a Java application” messages do to the internets.

Java is a big bunch of balls, and Sun Microsystems are a big bunch of ball washers. Fact.

Carpsio: legend! It’s just a pity he didn’t have a pop at C# as well.

AJ

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About Al Jahom
Anti-social malcontent, misanthrope and miserable git.

71 Responses to Software that needs to fuck off and stop pestering me…

  1. alan says:

    your rant makes no sense these are security updates and are a requirement a reboot takes what 13 seconds?

  2. steve says:

    I completely agree with your rant. I also hate all these continuous fucking Java updates which I never use and now never even bother downloading. I hate Java and I wish it would fuck off and go die in a hole.

  3. James says:

    I agree completely… i found this rant because I was searching for a way to stop the stupid fucking updates!! they are driving me insane.
    I will spend today formatting my hard drive and will never re install Java. :o) (that will make me slightly happier)

  4. Dan Gleeballs says:

    Yep, a right round pain in the nob.

    There’s actually a windows service for this fucking thing. msconfig is your saviour, turn off the startup and turn off the java update service

    And while you are there, Adobe Flash and Acrobat can fuck right off too!

    • Olly says:

      THANK YOU sooo much i turned that bastard off and i hope i never see it again. I wouldn’t mind if the update actually WORKED but it never does. Thanks again.

      • Mark says:

        So you don’t even know how to turn off that crap? You show your ignorance by stating that Java is not used anymore. But you confirmed it by showing you don’t know how to turn simple things off. You are the one that should fuck off.

    • djb says:

      holy shit i forgot all about msconfig! thank you!!!

    • a person says:

      I wish Adobe could Fuck off too because whenever I want to play an online game, any one It will say “NOPE FUCK YOU YOU NEED A PLUGIN CALLED ADOBE” and the updates too

  5. Mudslinger777 says:

    Laughing my butt off!
    I so concur, I’ve been putting up with this for a long time.
    It really became noticeable after I downgraded so I could run and older program that wouldn’t work with the latest jaba.

  6. rob says:

    Agree 100% – I found this page by googling “fuck off java update” – I’m almost ready to switch careers due to these fucking annoying idiosyncrisies – adobe update – you fuck off as well – i never liked your product since day 1 – i’ve even updated the fucking thing then it wants me to update again – even if there is no update available! But it’s in the EULA – I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE NOT TO USE IT – clever, very clever – just like the banksters that stole all that money from the PEOPLE – very clever. Not only that – I invested in learning programming at a young age then they change everything and OUTSOURCE to the lowest bidder – yah you’re welcome for the support Microsoft! Greed greed greed – what the fuck ever happened to BALANCE

  7. Timothy says:

    Yup, I agree…worse even; I turned off the ‘automatically check for updates’ and every single option that it could pester me with and he just turns ’em back on. =D
    “Nooooo, it’s not safe to never check for updates! You must have made a mistake! Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

  8. Scott586 says:

    Never-ending fucking update reminders. I swear i just fucking updated 3 days ago. Then of course I have to go through the fucking process again when I get on my laptop. Finally it crushed me, I could take no more. It took at least 5 minutes to uninstall 3 god damn Java programs which consumed no less than 250 MB of my hard drive. Remind me again why you still fucking exist Java? On 2nd thought, don’t.

  9. Newt says:

    Google brings me here on a search for “adobe java fuck off.” Awesomesauce.

  10. Keith Miller says:

    Here’s a cool thing. My daughter is running Win7 x64 with Java on her machine. She is 8 years old and the update reminders even piss her off at age 8!

    She asked me to turn it off for her and I thought I had done that, but nope those stupid reminders keep on coming. So I just tried to disable it again and it didn’t work. When I elevate a command prompt and run the java control panel and edit her settings, stupid Java edits the settings associated with the user credentials that provided the elevation and not the logged in user! So even after I disable the updates, they are still enabled for my daughter. There is no way to turn the stupid thing off!

    What is even more asinine about this situation is that she cannot run the updates since she does not have sufficient privileges to do so. So, we have Java reminding her to update every day, even though it cannot run under her account, and the reminders cannot be turned off.

    Java, you suck!

    • frabii says:

      Your daughter is wise. Java has become garbage since Oracle took over it. For GOD’s sake can we just be left alone! It is like asking us to get a new TV twice a week. I reboot the *** WIN7 right before a meeting and the *** thing wants 2 hours to install “critial” updates. If they cannot write software then they do not belong in this business!

  11. Matt says:

    I typed in “Java can fuck off” into google and now I am here grateful there are other people that not only think the same, but use the same exact phrase, I concur with your idea of having Brian Blessed announce CD technology, can we start a petition?

  12. Allen says:

    Apparently some people don’t get these Java updates every fucking day! For those that don’t quite “get it,” this fucking Java updater constantly wants to update Java. Many times I say OK, go ahead and update it. What do I see? Another popup that says, “Your Java is up to date.” So yeah, Fuck off Java and Larry Ellison too.

  13. lovelypanther says:

    dudes i’m right there where you all are i’m so done with java shit it keeps updating then turning off my computer wtf right what can we do though and btw I ask googled what the fuk is wrong with java and it bringed me here hehe I so luv googles googles rules

  14. test says:

    What would break if you just nuked java? Does it have to be the Sun java? can we switch to something les annoying? is there any answer?

  15. HerpaDerp says:

    typed “java can fuck off” into google in an update-induced rage. This makes it all better tho. Thx!!

  16. Brain Dead says:

    You want the fucking tards that continue to use it to fuck off and die a slow painfully death and rot in a sticky hole of thier own excrement? Here’s a thought,,, rid yourself of the fucking Microsoft plague and buy a Mac!!! Turn it off, turn it on, set parental controls and annoy me levels and best of all no flash either!!! That is unless your stupid enough to download it and allow it to take over! Havent turned the PC (pos) on since unboxing the mini and don’t miss the pile of shit. Gates and the windows cluster fuck he’s created should be suited for stealing windows to start with then beat down with one of his own processor dies!

  17. Otávio Campos says:

    I hate those stupid automatic updates. Programmere should not allow their software to be such a crap.

  18. Richard Rybi says:

    My variant that got me here was ‘fucking Java updates’. A pain shared is somehow better.
    Also really annoys me that it tries to install some crappy browser toolbar unless I remember to uncheck that box every fucking time. Also annoyed by the popup at the end saying ‘Java is up to date’, and then to make it even worse, today I got a browser window come up asking me to click on a button to verify I’m using the most up to date version. Seriously, some sick fuck is having a great laugh at our expense..

    • frabii says:

      Microsoft ain’t the problem. The misery has spread to Mac and even Linux speciall to Firefox which is run by the most arrogant asses I have ever known,.

  19. al says:

    I agree with Fuck java This is garbage taking even 20 seconds a day for useless updates EVERYDAY Ican beleive the ASSHOLE on the first few response not agreeing ASSHOLE must be working for the other ASSHOLE CALLED LARRY I think??

  20. Austin says:

    Found this by googling “What the fuck is Java” and proceeded to read this entire post. 10/10.

  21. dickhead says:

    I agree, every fucking day this motherfucking java update pops up right in the middle of editing movie software etc. Fuck the fuck off motherfucker..

  22. earnestbass says:

    You are all Koo-Koo!! Jave is awesome!!! …Just check out this wiki to get the real scoop & see how wrong you were:-)===>>>
    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Java

  23. Jason says:

    FUCKING ADOBE AND ORACLE THANKS FOR THE PRE TICKED CHECKBOX, I REALLY WANTED THAT TOOL BAR.
    You fucking CUNTS, you die, you die and go to hell.
    Hopefully Android and HTML5 snuff you useless cunts out of existence.

  24. i hate java and adobe says:

    if java was an animate object, i’d gladly go to the galllows after shooting java with a 12 gauge full of copper coated bb’s

  25. Jesse says:

    “Fuck off java update” brought me here… I’m pleased to see i’m not the only one annoyed! seriously speaking, what’s wrong with Java/Sun/Oracle’s update policy is that they despite their enormous market presence can’t get one fucking simple thing right. If they did, then they wouldn’t have to keep updating every fucking day or two. And if they can’t manage what so many others manage then why not consolidate updates to avoid an unreasonably high frequency annoying bullshit and stop pestering millions of users beyond reason? What a bunch of useless policies that surrounds Java updates and has managed to prevail for years!

    On top of it all the installer looks like shit as Oracle can’t seem to properly scale their own and the Java logo. A 12 year old in front of Photoshop would manage this. Nor do they manage to center the cheap self promotional imagery that appears during install. And during update they try to sneak in browser toolbar add-ons like a freeware software vendor. Seriously, what a lousy unprofessional impression.

    I say ‘Java Go Fuck Yourself!’

  26. javasux says:

    Now it is all because the dumbasses at Java are afraid of getting sued. If your legacy app uses and old version of java that the new version breaks. It constently tells you that your version is insecure.

    Honestly I dont give a flying shit what java thinks of there application. just quit making it where perfectly good programs will run because you are stupid a broke something in one of your versions.

  27. Minami says:

    I just updated my Java and now I can’t use chat rooms.

  28. Chris says:

    I found this page after updating Java, and immediately searching “what the fuck is Java?”

  29. Alan says:

    If you blokes would leave out ‘f*ck’ your posts would be more readable. I am also getting these pestering notices two at a time whenever I invoke IE. I think it may be a virus.

  30. I Hate Java says:

    Did you know that over 8 billion devices run Java? Yes I fucking did because you tell me every fucking day on my work PC, then again on my home laptop and again on my home desktop. 8 billion devices and every one of them fucking hates it.
    I found this site by googling Fucking Java updates. Its nice to find some others who share my views.
    Also, that Wiki page is hilarious!

    Also also, I probably would use a Mac if anything that I use my PCs for actually worked on Mac and I also didn’t hate Apple and everything their shitty company stands for.

  31. Java is terrible. It’s fucking clown shoes.

  32. Andy Warburton says:

    And don’t even get us started about the Ask toolbar that comes bundled by default. One careless click…

  33. Justin says:

    I’m using windows 8…. It’s like f#cking Vista 2.0. It really does suck balls. You know what else sucks balls? Trying to do anything with Java on that steaming pile of crud Micro$oft shart out.
    I had less issues when I was on windows 7, XP and 98 SE…

  34. Haul Black says:

    Useless puddle of piss, first 2 applications i download on my new laptop after installing all the standard crap that makes it work… “This application requires Java Runtime Environment 6”. I just installed JRE 7! You wankers, is it completely inconceivable that people might need to use an application that wasn’t made for the very latest version of your crappy platform? Do you really expect me to go and install every fucking version you’ve released since the year dot?

    I recently tried to update the BIOS of a Server made by Sun, company now owned by Oracle? only to find out that i couldn’t download the updates because i don’t have a Oracle support contract… I brought the server on Ebay. Of course i don’t have a fucking Oracle support contract!

    Do you see Dell trying to extort people for trying to keep on top of updating the hardware they purchased on the understanding that it would at least be supported for a few years to come? No! But Oracle in the wisdom have made the update, advertise it on their support site (all be it with the worst interface I’ve seen since dos, and a search function so unwieldy i wanted to slap who every designed it) but when you click download presents you with a shitty window explaining why your never gonna get the dam update!

    Oracle, you and your shitty customer support policies can blow me.

    Rant over.

  35. allan kent says:

    Yeah…i was about to blow my brain when i typed into Google “what the fuck is this java shit all about”..and Whammo…i met all you guys with the same problem….G,day from Australia….we hate Jave too….!regards….Big Al

  36. danny says:

    YEAH….FUCK OFF …java

  37. rm says:

    Help out us novices here, please.

    I just went on the Canadian National Research Council’s official web clock site to get the precise time. (It’s a gov’t. site.) They use java to make the clocks work.

    The stupid java kept telling me I HAD to update to use the website. I kept clicking “no” to the updater and after about 8 or 9 times, it finally stopped popping up and…lo and behold…the web clock still worked perfectly (with my old java version, presumably).

    So, question: If one disables or uninstalls java from a PC, what happens on websites that say they require java to work certain features? (Someone above mentioned chatrooms, for example.) Is there a different program we can use instead? Or will those websites’ features be off limits from that point on?

    Thanks

  38. Your mama says:

    I agree, screw those motherfuckers

  39. Hong Dong says:

    Fuck Java and Fuck its Mother and FUCK MICROSOFT

  40. dribble says:

    The only thing wrong with java is that Oracle owns it. I us it quite often and I use it acorss platforms. It’s ok. However, Microsoft, Apple, Google and any mobile phone carier can all go fuck themsleves (and any pathetic dick wad that supports them).

  41. fucking updates says:

    Indeed, searched for Fuck you java update. Clean uninstall, good riddance you pestering bitch!!!

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  43. Paul says:

    I got here by typing “why does software need to be fucking updated all the fucking time” into Startpage (yeah, Goggle can fuck off too!) Thanks for helping me rant. And fucking Mozilla Firefucks can fuck off with it’s fucking hourly updates too!

  44. Sonia says:

    CONSTANT Window updates are the pits. Whatever I wish to do on computer I have to wait an eternity for the updates that take over my machine. (Example, 49 updates when I switch on and around 147 when I want to shut down). Can take forever. Java can be boiled in oil. I want a computer to obey MY commands, and NOT the other way round !!

  45. lisa says:

    Bullshit

  46. Amiga says:

    Begin //Rant
    I searched for “Fuck google and it’s my account reminder”, using DuckDuckGo of course and….it brought me here. Can’t even remember why I was using google search in the first place – oh yeah, that’s right, I was reading some info on the evil shit the NSA (including apple, google, facebook etc) do with raping our online info and the article had a link which went to google search. I NEVER USE GOOGLE as they are one of the worst companies for privacy and for just being a bunch of cocksuckers (oh wait, that’s Mozilla – Brendan Eiche anyone ?) that want to rule the internet and by proxy, you (and me) !
    Oh and a big fuck off to Crapple, Facebook, Twitter, Microsponge and all the other tech companies that think it is their right to dictate to us AND spy on us.
    End; //Rant

  47. Nathan says:

    Palemoon is way better and faster than Firefox and rarely updates.

  48. Jim Pera says:

    Turn off your updates. . If I wanted to be pestered this badly… I could watch TV and/or bothered more with my wife’s nagging bull shit

  49. Zamiel says:

    What I hate about the Java update is that it has to be a smug bastard and tell you EACH AND EVERY TIME that “Java is used in umpty-bazillion devices” — AS IF I CARE?! Fuck off, Java. Just STFU and finish updating. I don’t need you to advertise Java to me, or give me reasons to “like” it. It’s not as if I have a fucking choice, so just stop telling me how great your applet is and shove it in the background where it belongs. Asswipes.

  50. Justin Manning says:

    Google is not letting me into my own email account my code IS CORRECT AND IS THE SAME AS IT HAS BEEN FOR 10 YEARS AND THE SAME AS MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT AND THE SAME CODE I HAD IN COLLEGE IT HASNT BEEN CHANGED BY ME SO FIX IT YOU CUNTS

  51. Russel Future says:

    I read every single post in this rant-glob, and I agree with just about every one of them. It is just goofball crazy how dogshit awful software is now. I have these Android platforms, I built all this shit that runs on them (yup, I am sometimes a developer geek… ) Every fucking week they change the fucking user interface on fucking Andoid – because fucking GOOGLE owns it, and they don’t value stability. They value rapid change – just for the sake of change – to keep every ‘tard buying some new stupid piece of shit technocrap. This is an unwise strategy. Imagine if every fucking time you bought a new car, the entire fucking control system was different. (“This week, instead of a steering wheel, we have these little levers that you press with your legs – you want to go left, push your left leg against the seat-side….” and just when you got used to that, they change it so you now have to use your butt-cheek against a side-bar – the rational being that is makes it easier to drink your drink, and not spill it. And then a month later, they go back to little joystick levers like they had in the 2010’s… Stability and consistency is a virtue, not a sign of weakness or failure, you fucking idiots! Java was actually a really neat idea, before it was bought by Oracle, and turned into just another software problem that needed a big bag of money thrown at it before it would work ok. The entire software business is a complete stinking shithole of rancid filth. It is dominated by criminally nasty shit-vicious thug assholes who are intent on fucking every last dime from every stupid dumbshit ‘tard who has to use a fucking annoying computer to do his or her job. I hate this fucking world today. I understand why young people are making what seem like these weird choices (ie. joining ISIS) – the alternative is to live is a shit-stupid fuck-world, where every single fucking process that you encounter has been hard-wired by fucking pricks to make sure you have to cough up cash to them before you can do the stuff that used to be doable without grief, only a few years before. I got disgusted at P/C bullshit and java-crap, and bought a MacBook. Great machine, except the user-interface is a horrible blood-stained abortion smear. The hardware is good. The software is so fucking annoying, that I want to throw the fucking thing into the woodstove, and smash it with a fucking hammer – pretty much every time I use it.
    I deeply sympathize with everyone who has been frustrated to level extreme with stupid annoying software updates (you think Java was bad? Have you got an Android device, and every fucking time you turn the stupid piece of shit on, it fucking harasses you about the 34 updates that Google Playstore wants to install??? – and you are just *FUCKED* if you install them, because they will fuck up the operation of *all* your apps, so that your mission critical business stuff, will fucking die, or maybe all your data will be uploaded to some fucking stupid *CLOUD* server bullshit, and handed off to the NSA and the American spook-fucks? You can’t install new software without running regression tests and verification/communication exercises, otherwise you are a stupid fucking monkey, and you will be quad-fucked by every piece of scum bastard fraudster/spyware scum shit out there – I got all this bullshit just a few days ago – masterfull fuking brilliant – looked like a real message from my bank, telling me they had suspended my account, and I just had to click this link to login and fix it… yatta, yatta – complete shitbag fraudshit from some dickless wankerfucks in Romania (from the URL), but this shit is a daily occurance now – all the software is shit, and all the methods we are using are so completely fucking compromised, that we are completely fucked if we do anything. Even the fucking *update* channels are fucking compromised now.
    I know I am just raving here now… it is crazy, and I am just pissed at it all. I run FIrefox, and I think that they expect you to update every week – I updated a bunch of machines to latest ADOBE Flash fuckshit level 19.0.0.226 or some fucking thing… I mean, what the fuck? Why can these dumbarses from Adobe not write software that is able to process video streams without fucking having a great sinkhole of security holes everywhere? Why is this shit so awful – still, here at the end of 2015, well into the fucking future? Wasn’t this shit supposed to be fucking working in 1998???? I remember showing an IBM Thinkpad 360x or whatever the fuck the version was, to my parents, back in the 1990’s. They are both fucking dead now! This was over 20 fucking years ago, and this Thinkpad ran a full MPEG video, no glitches or anything – lovely full motion sound and video – and here we are, 20, or maybe 25 years later, and WE STILL HAVE NOT GOT THIS FUCKING VIDEO SHIT WORKING YET????? WHAT THE FUCK?
    WHY IS SOFTWARE SO FUCKING HORRIBLE SHITSUCKING AWFUL??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING DUMBSHITS THAT CODE THIS DOGSHIT THAT IS STILL DOES NOT FUKING WORK RIGHT!!????
    Do I seem a tad over-the-edge here? Maybe. it’s just that all this time and effort and money that has been put into software does not seem to be making things any better. It seems to be making it worse. More unstable, more unreliable, and more likely to be infected with gross security holes that put people at risk.
    And what do the public authorities do? What is the social-technical government response to this? Well, it is to suggest THAT WE HAVE WEAKER ENCRYPTION STANDARDS, so that our fucking spooks don’t have to actually do any fucking FIELD WORK! ARRRGH! I am always arguing for STRONGER security standards, BETTER software, MORE TESTING and BETTER PRODUCTS, with LESS IN-BUILT FAILURE points, and it is like shouting in a vaccum.
    I am in the process now, of configuring some machines that have NO INTERNET ACCESS of any kind. Nothing. But of course, you still have to plug in a fucking USB drive or some sort of device. Or at least some kind of hard-copy printer, cd-writer or something. There is no way to ensure complete security, without using a hammer on the mainboard and the storage array.
    This is all just wrong.
    Modern software needs to be better. It needs to be right the first time. Fuck updates.

    • matteo says:

      Agreed. Everything gets shittier with less functionality. Windows has steadily regressed into some spying shithole OS that lacks basic functionality. Android doesn’t do things as well as it did them 5 years ago. Basic apps like the music player don’t even work on my new phone. It just crashes. neither does messaging. I have to use third party apps that spam me with ads just to have basic functionality. Google, Apple and MS can go and stick their heads up the asses of each other and take a big shit.

  52. I felt the same way about java, I just wanted it to leave me alone. Then i wanted to be really pissed at chrome for not supporting it, then I read why and it seemed like they had a good point and I was starting to get over my frustration and then today my fucking Photoshop won’t open and I’m telling you I did download it. And I was like, FUCK YOU APPLE UPDATES, where did my java go anyway, why do I have to keep downloading it everytime I update my operating system and fuck you java and fuck you photoshop for requiring it and and and..well yeah, now I’m back to being pissed off. This too shall pass.

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