Me in 2012

On pre-empting the DailyMash and reaping the whirlywind.



EVERY home in Britain will have access to an endless stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions by 2012, under new government proposals.

The Digital Britain strategy, unveiled yesterday, will mean no-one will be able to hide from the jibbering mess cascading from blogs, chat rooms and inexplicable newspaper comment threads.

The drive for universal broadband comes amid claims there are still too many homes across the UK where people are forced to read books and have actual, fully-formed thoughts.

But from 2012 every consumer will be able to use the internet to pick up a random falsehood and weave it quickly and efficiently into their own offensively bizarre world view.

Glorious money shot….

Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The technology is rather complex but basically what we’re talking about is a big pipe full of nutcases shoved through your front door.

"Not only will you be able to gape in horror at their unsettling combination of wide-eyed naivety and poisonous bigotry, but you’ll also be able to spit your own half-chewed mince back at them."

He added: "You will experience the joy of watching a perfectly harmless chat forum about Subarus degrade into a series of furious, expletive-filled exchanges about why everything these day is run for, and by, Jewish homosexuals."

Culture secretary Andy Burnham stressed the internet can also be used to order useful products, invade your privacy, manage personal finances and access millions of photographs of Swedish vaginas.

Hail to the Mash. Bastards.



Every household to have interactive pornography by 2012

In an effort to reverse the trend that has recently seen whiny, sickly, hormonal – and evidently careless – women losing jobs at twice the rate of men, Harriet Harman has announced measures to ensure equality. She said today:

“Male comedians have often joked that if men could fellate themselves, they would never leave the house.

We conducted a two-year feasibility study, which showed that the cost of the spinal surgery for Britain’s working men would run into hundreds of billions of pounds.

In light of the need to bolster public investment at this time, we had looked at the opportunity to inject this money into the economy. In the event, we gave that money to Sir Fred Godwin, so we have proposed the next best thing.

By 2012, every household will be entitled to have interactive web pornography at 2 Megabits, for free.

We estimate that, by taking 6-8 million men out of the workforce, employing and retaining women will finally be a practical alternative to taking on someone who knows what he’s doing.

No spokesman for the project was available for comment.


Data Abuse

Having reached 1000 posts, UK Liberty is running a ‘Best Of’ post at the moment, which has drawn my attention to this:

Data Abuse

This page has some real-life (as opposed to hypothetical) examples of abuses of our personal data. See also Data Loss for information on data that has gone ‘missing’. This document is updated from time to time. It was most recently updated on 23 January 2009.

And this:

If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear

The contention that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear presupposes that those with access to information will not abuse it, whether on behalf of themselves for (say) curiosity or money, or on behalf of the state.

Unfortunately there is plenty of precedent to suggest otherwise, ranging from individual abuses to the facilitation of mass abuse, such as by the Stasi, or those committing genocide.

There are also several other nuggets to be deployed in the battle to retain what liberty we have, in the face of an indifferent public, and authoritarian government and an alarmingly pragmatic opposition.


Guido Nails Them Good and Proper

A marvellous post on Order Order, showing the levels of the FTSE 100 over the last 30 years.


Election. Now.


NHS Priorities

Via LegIron at Old Holborn, I see that the NHS is getting so much cash thrown at it now, that it doesn’t even have to spend much of it on, you know, healthcare.

Hospitals will take meat off menus in bid to cut carbon

Meat-free menus are to be promoted in hospitals as part of a strategy to cut global warming emissions across the National Health Service.

The plan to offer patients menus that would have no meat option is part of a strategy to be published tomorrow that will cover proposals ranging from more phone-in GP surgeries to closing outpatient departments and instead asking surgeons to visit people at their local doctor’s surgery.

Some suggestions are likely to be controversial with patients’ groups, especially attempts to curb meat eating and car use. Plans to reuse more equipment could raise concern about infection with superbugs such as MRSA.

Dr David Pencheon, director of the NHS sustainable development unit, said the amount of NHS emissions meant it had to act to make cuts, and the changes would save money, which could be spent on better services for patients.

The NHS has a ‘sustainable development’ unit. I think I need to lie down.

On Tuesday, Pencheon and the NHS chief executive, David Nicholson, will publish the strategy – Saving Carbon, Improving Health – which will set targets to cut the organisation’s carbon footprint, and proposals to meet them. It follows a government pledge last year to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 80% by 2050.

The plans cover all aspects of patients’ care, from building design to transport, waste, food, water and energy use.

Among the most talked-about is likely to be the suggestion that hospitals could cut carbon emissions from food and drink by offering fewer meat and dairy products. Last year, the United Nations climate chief, Rajendra Pachauri, provoked a global debate…

No, Grauniad, he provoked paroxysms of howling laughter.

… when he said having a meat-free day every week was the biggest single contribution people could make to curbing climate change in their personal lives, because of the chemicals sprayed on feed crops and the methane emitted by cattle and sheep. Last week, the German federal environment agency went further, advising people to eat meat only on special occasions. Pencheon said the move would cut the relatively high carbon emissions from rearing animals and poultry, and improve health. Last year the NHS served 129m main meals, costing £312m, according to Department of Health figures. "We should not expect to see meat on every menu," said Pencheon. "We’d like higher levels of fresh food, and probably higher levels of fresh fruit and veg, and more investment in a local economy."

If ‘climate change’ were something that we can and do influence, then these ludicrous ideas may have some small merit. As it is, we’re betting the lot on a straw man constructed by socialists defeated by the fall of the Iron Curtain.

Reality truly is a rarely sighted phenomenon.


It’s The Sun Wot Legged It….

image image

From The Lone Voice via the (much more balanced and sedated than me) Landed Underclass comes this news. About a year/month/week/day/hour after Blogworld decided the time has come for Gordon Brown to be eviscerated, it appears Rupert is finally on-board, via his favourite boarder of the next ship to sail, Trevor Kavanagh.

Want to see light at end of the tunnel? Ditch Labour

It was only last October that Chancellor Alistair Darling promised the economy would keep growing, slowly, then recover after a slight hiccup.

Suddenly it turns out he and Gordon Brown didn’t have a clue.

Not only did the slump catch them by surprise, but every bleak development is overtaken by alarming new events.

Some experts now predict the economy, far from growing, could shrink by a shocking eight per cent.

The silver lining to all this gloom is that Labour has been well and truly found out.

When this Government is ditched, as it so richly deserves, it won’t be able to complain it never had a fair chance.

After 12 long years, Labour can’t say they had too little time to make back-door Socialism work.

Having used landslide majorities to bully their experiment in social engineering into every nook and cranny of our daily lives, they cannot pretend they had one arm tied behind their back.

After inheriting a robust economy, they cannot claim they had no money. They could have used that time, power and cash to carry out all their 1997 election vows.

Election, Gordy. Now.


Sun-Wot-Won-It crap here.

A trip down flummery lane…

This whole Labour Lords Lolly4Laws business minded me of Blair’s ‘whiter than white’ quote from 1997. Actually, it ran as follows:

“We do, as a new Government, have to be extremely careful after 18 years in opposition. A lot of people who worked for us, they then go on and work for the lobby firms. I think we have to be very careful with people fluttering around the new Government, trying to make all sorts of claims of influence, that we are purer than pure, that people understand that we will not have any truck with anything that is improper in any shape or form at all.”
Daily Mail, 8 July 1998

But there are also some other pearls from Blair at the marvellous Wikiquote. Such as:

“I can stand here today, leader of the Labour Party, Prime Minister, and say to the British people: you have never had it so … prudent.”
Speech to the Labour Party conference, 28 September 1999

Of course, Monosnot doesn’t go without a mention, and you don’t have to go back 10 years to trip him up.

I want to lead a government humble enough to know its place – where I will always strive to be – and that is on people’s side.
Speech at the launch of his leadership campaign, 11 May 2007

Empty words, Mr Brown, or you’d call an election right now.


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