building towers from egg cartons, covering them in barbecue fuel and launching lighted paper aeroplanes into them.
AJ
September 11, 2009
August 28, 2009
July 29, 2009
If you can do one thing every time you drive….
it’s to terrify anyone who isn’t up to it.
They’ll go home and curse you, and probably have vodka and valium, but they’ll never drive again.
Job done.
Call it a congestion charge. Everyone loves that.
AJ
July 25, 2009
On feeling English…
I was born in England and have lived in England my whole life so far*. My parents the same. And theirs (well maybe a bogtrotter in the mix somewhere).
But I don’t feel very English. Never have.
I’ve read Jeremy Paxman’s “The English: A portrait of a People.” More than once. I recognise the ideas, history, stereotypes and temperaments he discusses. I just don’t recognise myself in any of them. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Why?
- I don’t do queuing.
- If things aren’t right, I will, unerringly, make a fuss.
- I couldn’t give a toss about the weather as long as it’s not fucking my shit up.
- I love a heated debate, with raised emotions and flailing arms.
- I drive like an Italian.
- I loaf like a Spaniard.
- I analyse like a German.
- I drink, and smoke, like a Frenchman.
- I’m independent like the Swiss.
What could it possibly mean?
AJ
* Whether this continues to be the case is largely in Cameron’s hands
July 16, 2009
Macmillan Cancer Support…
If you read And There Was Me Thinking…., you’ll know that this is quite an apposite charity today.
So it’s a nice coincidence that I got a request today, from a cow-orker seeking sponsorship for his charity bike-ride.
I have done so gladly. Not least in the hope it’ll help pry open my pikey colleagues’ wallets too.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx
And don’t forget that Gift-Aid takes money out of Gordo’s pocket!
AJ
July 13, 2009
Dogville….
I’m going to go further than my last post.
Dogville is one of my favourite films. Ever.
It’s a sensory overload for those who like things to be left to the imagination.
That the actors wear clothes is a mere concession to American mores. The buildings are merely chalk outlines on the floor of a sound stage.
Unspoken go the facts that in reality, all can see all, and that Kidman’s character is being raped by all the men of the village but for the few who desire her.
So goes unspoken the plausible, if literally licentious, idea that Kidman’s character represents Christ.
Watch it, or don’t.
I enjoyed it so what do I care for your feeble opinion?
AJ
Film for a day…
I’m only a grudging fan of Tom Cruise, and it’s definitely in-spite of his mad spaceship religion.
But.
Magnolia is a fucking brilliant film.
At 3 hours, it’s too long for a lot of people, and every time I watched it, I did so in two sittings. Some people will never have the willpower and brains to ‘get it’, and I defy anyone, before seeing the film, to guess how all the threads are drawn together in the last act.
Looking at the reviews on Amazon, it’s a marmite job.
Give it a go – you might like it.
If you’d prefer Nicole Kidman, try The Human Stain and the epic Dogville.
AJ
July 3, 2009
Mmmmm wine….
Thought the winos amongst you might like to know what I bought on my jaunt…
Click images to enlarge:
I bought between 3 & 6 of each.
Am currently indulging in the leftmost red… very very tasty ‘04 Saint Emillion.
AJ
June 27, 2009
June 25, 2009
News suspended by death of man in suspended animation….
Mickey Jackson Dead…
Where was I? Dunno, But I can blog from there.
Probably blessed relief for the poor cunt.
Peace to him, and those he may have fiddled with.
AJ
June 22, 2009
Bercow looks good for speaker…
Last night, I bunged a 10 spot on John Bercow at 4/1. It was on instinct, after I read that his plan to reform expenses is to pay MPs £100k and do away with allowances. Much like my plan here, then.
So I’m pleased to read that he lead the first round of polling for the speakership today, and Ladbrokes has shortened his odds massively:
Fingers crossed…
AJ
UPDATE: Berky wins second round.
UPDATE 2: Only Berky & Sir Tory to run in the next and final round.
UPDATE 3:
UPDATE 4:
Get in there…
June 20, 2009
Why do we hate lawyers???
That is the question posed by The Times’ law blog.
Happily, I think I can help them here, but before I do, here’s one reader’s comments:
Right… now I can answer the initial question.
Having had many dealings with lawyers in various professional circumstances, I can confidently say that it’s because lawyers are arrogant, avaricious, self-righteous, snivelling, shyster cunts.
I defy anyone (who isn’t a lawyer or related to one) to show that I’m wrong.
The comments section on the above post is bristling with the sort of loathing I have herein expressed. I encourage you to gorge upon it.
AJ
June 8, 2009
June 6, 2009
June 2, 2009
You may laugh now, septics, but it won’t last….
Via The Devil, I see that Josie Appleton has written the following article about the destruction of the British pub as a social institution, by a bunch of clipboard-wielding, miserablist bastards.
Two Pints of Non-Alcoholic Lager and a Packet of Fat-Free Crisps
How pointless regulations are ruining British pub lifeIf you want to buy a drink at a pub in Oldham, northern England, you must stand in an orderly "post-office-style" line. It must be a straight line, starting one meter from the bar, with barriers, signage, and a "supervisor." There must be no drinking while standing in line, and no drinking within one meter of the bar. Customers cannot order more than two drinks at one time. And if a pub wants to advertise discounted drinks, it must give the police and local council at least seven days’ notice.
Pubs were once one of the most autonomous spaces in Britain; now they are one of the most regulated.
Now, there’s a lot of seriously depressing reading there about how the meddling pecksniff shits who’ve been running the shop for the last 12+ years have basically fucked up everything that isn’t miserable, austere, parsimonious and Presbyterian.
It’s not without a sour irony that one recalls how Labour jumped on an out-of-context quote from Mrs.T, that “there’s no such thing as society,” when these authoritarian, idealist, ivory-tower dwelling cunts have successfully done more to destroy society than Thatcher could have conceived of even in her brain-meltdown last 12 months.
However, the comments of Appleton’s article provide enlightenment on something else: Americans are starting to widely pity us.
Britain has become epic self-parody. I doubt I’ll ever take British critcism for anything American seriously ever again. Wow, they really do love ‘permissions’. Too bad treating adults like children only rewards irresponsible behavior.
Now, as a Brit, it’s attractive to shrug my shoulders and agree with him – he’s right after all.
But in the UK, we’re about to see the status quo change (relatively) dramatically with a massive shift back towards personal responsibility. That it took 12+ years of utter fucking cuntitude in public office before the British people came to this realisation is sad, but true.
And let’s not forget that the USA has its selection of ludicrous state and federal laws… 21 to drink alcohol… war on drugs.. Patriot Act… and everything in between.
And that was all pre-Barry. But the USA has just had its new dawn, and it’s got Things Can Only Get Better written all over it.
You can bet your freedom loving asses that Obama has his eye on every gap between how you live and how he and his cronies think you should live and he’s gearing up to cleave your shit up to make it fit the righteous template. Bazza has the same instincts as Blair and the same lefty backers and blockers, akin to Campbell, Brown, Mandelson.
We’ll see who’s laughing in 8 years time, Yankees….. all of Bazza’s good ideas will be drowned at birth and a whole load of commie, authoritarian, constitution mangling shit will be invading every orifice of your existence.
Or my name’s not Alan Chinnerous Rackon Jahom.
AJ
May 25, 2009
Is it any wonder local newspapers are in a death spiral??
I went into an inconvenience store today. While in the queue, I grabbed a copy of our local rag, since it had a splash about my local MP, who has suffered minor opprobrium in the expenses ‘scandal’.
On page 1 is a mugshot with not much text. The splash. Turn to page two.
I get home and open the paper and page 2 says “see our website for the full exclusive”.
Are they thick or what? The only reason I buy a paper is if there is something in there I’m not likely to see online. This is often the case with the local rags.
But next time, am I going to buy the paper? Am I toss, because I know, now, that the details will all be online and the paper will just be a pamphlet full of people hoping against hope that they can sell their house or car, or find their lost chinchilla.
AJ
And there was me shit-stirring…
I am appreciative of Mummylonglegs for taking the time to dignify my impertinence and condescension with answers.
I am incredulous that she has risen to my challenge and is still referring to me as ‘the lovely Al Jahom’. I doff my cap to her. Now let’s have one more go at disabusing her of the notion.
AJ is having terrible problems reconciling the concept of a welfare-dependant libertarian - he has obviously never encountered a benefit scrounger that didn’t plan this life from the outset – next question?
Straw man argument. Doesn’t address the question, which is ‘how does one reconcile the apparent dichotomy that is welfare dependency and libertarianism?’
For what it’s worth, some interesting ideas on this are being punted about in the comments over at Landed Underclass, who saw my original post and responded in his own inimitable way.
But back to Ms Legs and my big mouth.
The guy I fell in love with was in no way a degenerate. With hind sight I fucked up. How ever, when I married my Ex he was a Killick in the Mob. During our marriage he went from Killick, to PO to Chief in 2 years. He was destined for great things in the Mob, sadly his undying urge to shag one of his students whilst I gave birth to our 3rd child was not something I took into account. Funnily enough, he didn’t either. When the student found out what he’d done, she twatted him for unprofessional conduct and he lost his job – next question?.
Point taken, I was wrong. I for which apologise. He didn’t start out a degenerate. And at least some natural justice was served in the derailment of his career – sadly, though, that outcome is possibly the main reason you can’t find him and he can’t or won’t pay.
What he did was, in my book, an act of degeneracy. His failure to fulfil his financial responsibilities even more so.
Am I wrong about this too?
As a doped up piss-head I resent the implication that I am unable to hold down a job. That aside, I don’t need to look far back in your posts to see that you are partial to a bottle or three yourself, Ms Legs. I don’t begrudge it as such, but I reserve hypocrisy as my own right, not yours. – I love a bottle of wine, or two, or even three on a weekend. Fuck me AJ, is this what it comes down to. I didn’t infer that a pissed up dope head couldn’t hold down a job. I don’t give a shit what anyone else does. Look at who makes the steriotypes before you jump all over me, as for hypocricy, well that is everyones right – next question?.
Sense of humour failure. Next.
I don’t much mind who brings up Ms Legs’ children – that’s her concern, not mine. I applaud her undoubted efforts to bring them up properly, so I trust her to do the right thing for them. – You don’t have to worry who brings them up. I do. These are not statistics, these are Squids that I produced. I produced them thinking our lives would be wonderful. I am sure, AJ that you don’t give a fuck who brings up my Squids, but strangley, as a mum, I fucking do – next question?
I guess that’s just the red mist talking. An admission of the triumph of hope over experience.
The matter of any hope of her mum helping out was batted away adroitly. Clearly not an option. If she collects any benefits I don’t think she can expect any of the major parties to continue provide them much after the next election with the economy under so much pressure.
Or, how about if Ms Legs teamed up with some other single parents? They could each work part time jobs (or do a jobshare) while one of the others looked after the kids of the working ones. No childcare costs – the community is supporting itself.- LOL LOL LOL there are no other single parents in my Squids schools. I have the pleasure of being the only scrounger – next question?
Statistically, this seems extremely unlikely unless your kids attend a cottage school with 20 pupils. What about at other schools in the same area. Teh interwebs must be of some help here?
Ms Legs also batted away my suggestion the she provide child care services. Clearly, the logistical demands and the investment required to make this a goer, with all the health and safety, insurances etc make this option impossible under the stifling rules of our smothering state. Fair enough.
And that’s not the only way someone of hindered career development, but undoubted intelligence, could earn a decent enough crust to offset or avoid the cost of childcare. How about: AJ provides a long list of job opportunities…
None of which she managed to respond to – I’m guessing that’s because it’s rather more difficult to explain why none of these ideas may spin a buck.
- Work in a callcentre, be it in customer service, chatlines (£13.20-£15 p/h), tarot reading or whatever.
- McDonalds trainee business manager, or shift manager/night manager.
- How about a public sector non-job?
- Proof-reading, sub-editing or copy editing?
- Product testing, mystery shopper?
- Dog walking? Cat sitting?
- In the spirit of free enterprise, why not buy Chinese crap off ebay for £0.50 a unit, add some value and sell on for £1 a unit?
- And finally, if getting your baps out on the webcam earned less than minimum wage, women wouldn’t do it.
These websites seem to have more ideas:
http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website/For%20lone%20parents
I’m still looking forward to learning why none of these options are viable. Seriously.
Back to Ms Legs again…
but the last one did make me smile.
- And finally, if getting your baps out on the webcam earned less than minimum wage, women wouldn’t do it.
Have you done that for a job AJ?. Have you degraded your self on film for money. I did. I did that and a lot worse to keep my tax paying, sex infatuated Hubby from leaving me and the Squids. It didn’t work. But hey, why stop there?. May be I could be a prostitute?. May be I could shag strangers for money?. As long as my Squids are fed and the Tax payer is happy. If I shagged someone for a tenner would than mean I had performed my moral obligation to society?
Never need to do ‘it’ as a job. Anyway, it’s another straw man attack, and I was joking… Readers, though, may demand custard-proof of your claims. And if you’ did ‘it’ to keep your husband from leaving you, then I think you must have been in denial of the inevitable doom ahead, and completely taken leave of your self-respect. It must be a long way back from there.
Finally, if Ms Legs would care to give me her errant husband’s address, I’ll get some fucking child maintenance out of the cunt. After I’ve cut his fucking bollocks off. - LOL, Al you are so hard you scare me.
I thank you ma’am, from the commanding officer of 1st Battalion, Queen’s Own Keyboard Warriors Regiment.
I think now, however, that I see how it all went so wrong for you.
Short, ginger.
People. Never. Learn.
Anyway, back to the point. What could you be doing with your time, from the above list, while the kids are at school? Surely something?
Look, I don’t want to sound condescending (for which I appreciate it’s a bit late), but you seem to have simply accepted that you cannot work. The Geordie disease. That’s something I cannot understand and cannot envisage ever doing unless a medical condition put paid to it all (the possibility of which I’m heavily insured against).
How about a medium term (5 year) plan to get back into full-time skilled work? I appreciate you’re limited at the moment, but what are you going to do when the kids are old enough that you can get a full time job and they’re far to busy to notice whether you’re at home or not, during the day? After all, you’re going to be pretty much fancy-free by the time your in your early 40s, with 20 years of working life still ahead of you.
With a five year plan, you could undertake some professional qualifications by home-study, be it with Open University or a professional body. Could be accounting and bookkeeping (which by the way, you could do from home, flexibly, anyway), social work, medical, educational, technical, creative… whatever – the sky is quite literally the limit.
FFS You’re clearly not stupid. It’s practically a crime for your capabilities to go unexploited.
Anyway, I don’t think we’re any nearer to answering the fundamental question yet, but there’s time.
In the comments on MML’s post, Angry Exile offers an interesting litmus test:
I can see how it’s possible to be a welfare dependent libertarian – the test is whether you’d vote for someone who’d cut your benefits in return for making it financially practical for you to work and earn your own way.
AJ
May 19, 2009
Troughmap…. more red, more lard..
This is illuminating… I like heatmaps.
Here’s one based on the ‘BNP Membership List’ that was published last year.
I’m not sure if there are any significant correlations to be drawn between the two…. here are the maps side by side. Click the pic to enlarge.
H/T The Internet
AJ
May 10, 2009
Jolly Good Show, Mrs Dale…
Iain Dale, who is growing in my estimation, recently hosted his first Politics Show on some Interweb radio thing called Play Talk Talk Radio, or some such convoluted name.
For a first effort, I thought this was quite good.. perhaps a dry run to get the technicals right would have been nice, but in the world of teh intertubes, later is for losers.
Try not to worry about the endorsement from Nadine Dorries, who I think will turn out to be a big liability for the Tories. She’s not actually on the show.
AJ
