Nice :-)
AJ
November 9, 2009
Emotional Incontinence 2: This time it’s Dorking…
The squirrel ‘fell foul of a “hit and run driver”’ eh? Well I’ve been driving for 20 years and I never knew there was a duty to report running over a fucking tree-rat. Was the driver expected to leave his insurance details, perhaps?
Citizens of Dorking. You’ve lived up to your poxy town’s name in fine style, you complete and utter cretins.
AJ
November 5, 2009
November 2, 2009
More excellent news…
Sounds like a non-sequitur, doesn’t it…. But wait.
The Community Fire Safety study said chip pan fire and discarded cigarettes caused the most fatalities
Well, I’m shocked, and amazed.
Still, the ends justify the means, eh?
AJ
Splendid News…
I’m much obliged to Rab, for this splendifery:
Full story here.
And as I’m going to be in Yorkshire that day, I’ll see if I can make it up there to join these marvellous festivities.
AJ
October 28, 2009
October 27, 2009
Children…
I don’t have any, so don’t fucking lecture me about my carbon arseprint, you total cunts.
I’ll hand you over to my friends Doug, George and Bill:
And more Bill…
Fin.
AJ
October 25, 2009
En cas de voyager au pays de grenouilles..
As I’ll soon be popping over to the land of cheese, wine and militant polo-neck wearing again, I thought I’d brush up on my French.
And I’ve yet to find any better way to do so than this: Eddie Izzard, performing his show in French, in front of a Paris audience.
A warning up front: I take issue with some of the subtitles. Some are materially incorrect. Others are dubious translations of idioms. It’s still very good, though.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
I reckon he’s got balls of steel.
AJ
October 24, 2009
October 22, 2009
Tooled up…
A meme is emerging in blogland regarding the preparations people are making for tonight’s fun.
Wine in the fridge, check; munchies, check; big fat ‘happy days’ cigar, check. Roll on 10:35pm
Let me see…
Can’t wait. Should be a hoot.
AJ
Jahomstradamus for the win…
March 29th 2009
Thanks a fucking bunch says everyone…
Filed under: Larf — Al Jahom @ 11:23 pm
They’re bound to go for this. This government’s eye for a lose-lose-lose strategy is just uncanny. You have to laugh.
Statutory maternity leave should be cut to six months and new paid leave given to fathers, a report from the equalities watchdog says.
The focus on maternity leave has entrenched the notion that only mothers look after children and damages women’s careers by making them less attractive employees, the group warns.
I can immediately spot three groups who could lose out from this:
i) Women who have given birth. Do they want to go back to work ‘so soon’?
ii) New fathers who would rather be paid to polish the toilet floors in the Blue Oyster Bar than to spend any more time with their miraculous new shitting air-raid sirens.
iii) The productive members of the economy. The trouble with post-natal women, and I speak from a position of complete ignorance, is that they’re either completely mental or utterly baffled. With most it’s quite clear that their brains take a while to return to proper functioning order. Others will never recover. About a year is probably right to know for sure. So what’s the point in having them back in the business sooner than that, with all the post-natal prolapsed rectum treatments they’ll be excusing themselves for? In the meantime, productive men will be taken out of the economy for longer.
October 22nd 2009:
AJ
October 18, 2009
Payback for Filthy Hippy Scum…
Today, of all days, this is worth a re-run…
WHEN 35 Greenpeace protesters stormed the International Petroleum Exchange (IPE) yesterday they had planned the operation in great detail.
What they were not prepared for was the post-prandial aggression of oil traders who kicked and punched them back on to the pavement.
“We bit off more than we could chew. They were just Cockney barrow boy spivs. Total thugs,” one protester said, rubbing his bruised skull. “I’ve never seen anyone less amenable to listening to our point of view.”
Another said: “I took on a Texan Swat team at Esso last year and they were angels compared with this lot.” Behind him, on the balcony of the pub opposite the IPE, a bleary-eyed trader, pint in hand, yelled: “Sod off, Swampy.”
Greenpeace had hoped to paralyse oil trading at the exchange in the City near Tower Bridge on the day that the Kyoto Protocol came into force. “The Kyoto Protocol has modest aims to improve the climate and we need huge aims,” a spokesman said.
Protesters conceded that mounting the operation after lunch may not have been the best plan. “The violence was instant,” Jon Beresford, 39, an electrical engineer from Nottingham, said.
“They grabbed us and started kicking and punching. Then when we were on the floor they tried to push huge filing cabinets on top of us to crush us.” When a trader left the building shortly before 2pm, using a security swipe card, a protester dropped some coins on the floor and, as he bent down to pick them up, put his boot in the door to keep it open.
Two minutes later, three Greenpeace vans pulled up and another 30 protesters leapt out and were let in by the others.
They made their way to the trading floor, blowing whistles and sounding fog horns, encountering little resistance from security guards. Rape alarms were tied to helium balloons to float to the ceiling and create noise out of reach. The IPE conducts “open outcry” trading where deals are shouted across the pit. By making so much noise, the protesters hoped to paralyse trading.
But they were set upon by traders, most of whom were under the age of 25. “They were kicking and punching men and women indiscriminately,” a photographer said. “It was really ugly, but Greenpeace did not fight back.”
Mr Beresford said: “They followed the guys into the lobby and kept kicking and punching them there. They literally kicked them on to the pavement.”
Last night Greenpeace said two protesters were in hospital, one with a suspected broken jaw, the other with concussion.
Glorious…
AJ
October 17, 2009
Random Genius: Vagina Hero…
Found in a WordPress ‘possibly related posts’ footer on Mummylonglegs’ blog:
AJ
October 16, 2009
Champagne toasts must be made in soundproof booths…
The damaging effects of passive clinking were revealed this evening by BBC’s Panorama.
Turn that noise down!!!
A rise in symptoms such a tinnitus and class-loathing has prompted a review of health and safety considerations for those in the environs of champagne toasts.
A spokesman for leading toffs’ quaff, Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin said, “Stupid rosbifs, our magnifique French ears are twice the size of your puny English ears. We suffer no discomfort at your English ponces spending millions of Euros on our wines. At thees rate, your stupid English economy will be more atrophied than even ours! Haha!”
Nicolas Sarkozy has big plans for the French economy.
A senior Conservative source confirmed tonight that Conservative health high command embrace this important new finding and plan to elevate Carla Bruni to the House of Lords as a Tory peer. Caxtons of Canterbury confirm that they are printing an addendum to the Conservative Party manifesto, printed on sack cloth.
AJ
Big Brother & Channel4 Slammed by GMC for Ignoring Dangers of Passive Blinking…
Experts warned last night of the lasting damage that can occur from what has been called ‘passive blinking’. Being in the same room as Big Brother Morlock Airhead Helen, can cause an adult to exceed their weekly recommended units of blink by as much as 50%.
A spokeswoman from the Department of Health said, “We take this report very seriously, of course. The recent rise in binge blinking has been linked to rising crime.”
The World Health Organisation called for a global awareness campaign and for governments to set a minimum price per unit of blink.
David Cameron’s office confirmed that the recommendations were being taken on board. KopyKwik confirmed they are reprinting the Conservative Party Manifesto. Possibly in pink, to make the boys wink.
Next Episode: Passive Winking.
AJ
October 14, 2009
In case the Welch are feeling left out…
sorry boyo.. I meant..
She was my woman… Bum bum bum bum.
AJ
